LOS ANGELES – A clean and sober Charlie Sheen took to the stage Sunday night at the 2011 Emmy Awards in Los Angeles to present the award for outstanding lead actor in a comedy series. In stark contrast to his recent warlock persona, Sheen’s demeanor was laden with humility and contrition. Before announcing the nominees Sheen delivered a salutation to his former Two and a Half Men colleagues:
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.
Backstage Charlie shared friendly chatter with his Two and a Half Men replacement Ashton Kutcher, later joking with Twitter fans that he “gave the new kid some advice.” Sheen’s publicist told the Daily Rash that after the show his client hurried home to a fun loving night playing Milton Bradley’s Barrel of Monkeys with his children and ex-wives.
“Charlie and his family drank fruit juice and snacked on nutritional nuts while they lovingly played Barrel of Monkeys until the wee hours of the morning.”
Charlie Sheen’s newly found sobriety and love for life is being attributed by family and friends to his decision to replace his malicious and devious hairpiece with a kinder and gentler one.
“Charlie finally came to the irrefutable conclusion that his former hairpiece had controlled him, making him say and do things that the real Charlie Sheen could never imagine. When he called his former producer Chuck Lorre a “maggot” and a “nut-less sociopath,” his skull was straddled by the demented hairpiece. When he said “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body,” those were the words of a rancorus hairpiece, not Charlie Sheen. With his new congenial hairpiece Charlie says nice things about people and sometimes even bakes them pies. He no longer engages in drug induced sexual encounters in public restrooms with mentally disabled prostitutes. Today Charlie exchanges pleasantries with others in more formal settings and works diligently to build deep and meaningful relationships with his family.”
With a concerted effort and lots of elbow grease, Daily Rash investigative reporters rummaged through trash dumpsters, visited back alley drug dens and greased the palms of diseased ne’er-do-wells in an effort to find what happened to Charlie Sheen’s diabolical hairpiece. Then one night, with news of a raucous loft party getting out of hand in Manhattan’s meatpacking district, the pieces fell into place.
According to eyewitnesses, Hollywood celebrity Al Pacino was the center of attention at the party.
“When I walked into the party Al Pacino was hanging upside down from a chandelier,” recalled one reveler. “He was toking on a joint the size of my arm and complaining that he was surrounded by trolls. Then he shouted “I’m not William Howard Taft! Taft was a p*ssy!” and performed a spectacular dismount from the chandelier, landing gracefully on his feet and yelling“Winning!” When he saw me watching he said, “You can’t process me with a normal brain. Go back to the root canal you crawled out of!”
Another partygoer described her encounter with Pacino.
He had cocaine all over his face, just like in Scarface! He stuffed a handful of pills into his mouth and then gulped from a Jack Daniels bottle. He belched and told me, “Can’t is the second cousin of the polyp on your mother’s pancreas. Won’t is the horse that you ride bareback through the canker-sore laden meadow of your unremarkable life.” Then he yelled the N word several times and said, “If your little brain attempts to process me your head will implode and you’ll choke on the monosyllabic thoughts that comprise your inadequate existence.”
The Daily Rash has obtained confirmation from reliable sources that Charlie Sheen’s fiendish hairpiece is currently residing on top of Al Pacino’s head.