Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Arrested, Held Without Bail

NEW YORK – Charlie Sheen’s publicist told reporters today that Charlie was a victim not the culprit in Tuesday’s drunken, drug induced debacle at New York’s Plaza Hotel. The publicist had originally said that Charlie’s actions were due to an allergic reaction to medication, but now asserts that Sheen’s hairpiece caused him get drunk, purchase a prostitute and trash his hotel room while screaming vile racial slurs.

“Each event was carefully choreographed by a malicious and conniving hairpiece that Charlie should have discarded a long time ago. I want to ask Charlie’s fans to pray for him. Just like with the incident with the Moss Man, we want the authorities to pursue that hairpiece to the full extent of the law. We are confident that Charlie’s good name will be cleared once and for all.”

Charlie’s ex-wife Denise Richards was staying in another room at the hotel with their children. She spoke with reporters after visiting Charlie in the psychiatric ward of New York Hospital.

“I’ve known for some time that the hairpiece was bad news. I knew it deep down, like, in my soul or something, you know? Hell, unless Charlie had it on his head, I couldn’t be in the same room with it. When it was near I’d get ominous and foreboding feelings. I don’t know how many times Charlie has entered a room wearing that thing and the lights have flickered. It’s a demented hairpiece and I hope they lock it up and throw away the key. If for no other reason, for the sake of our children. For the love of God, somebody has to save the children!”

Denise Richards

Brittany Sanderbelt was having dinner at French restaurant Daniel, sitting just a few feet away from Charlie Sheen and his friends. Brittany witnessed the entrance and subsequent exit of Denise Richards.

“When Denise Richards approached Charlie Sheen there was an obvious change in her demeanor. It was almost as if she recoiled. But I don’t believe she reacted that way because Charlie was drunk and obnoxious, or because he was with a prostitute. I think she recoiled because of that conniving hairpiece, that’s what I think. And I don’t blame her. When I passed their table on the way to the ladies room, I swear Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told me to steal a roll of toilet paper. And what scares me is, I would have stolen a roll if the restroom attendant hadn’t been hovering about.”

Patrolman Kirk Beauregard said when he entered Sheen’s hotel room that night he immediately sensed that something was amiss.

“When I entered the room I had no doubt that something wasn’t right. Mr. Sheen was naked and throwing furniture around the room. He was yelling all kinds of vile things, saying the N-word over and over. He even said the B-word and both S-words. When officers led him past me I got the distinct feeling that his hairpiece told me to go into the bathroom, take Charlie Sheen’s Rolex watch out of a drawer and flush it down the toilet. The odd thing is, I was about to do just that when I received orders to respond to another crime.”

Porn actress Capri Anderson was Charlie Sheen’s date that night. She spoke on the telephone with the Daily Rash from the set of her latest film, Wide Open.

Capri Anderson

“I want the world to know that Charlie Sheen is completely innocent. It was that conniving hairpiece that started all the trouble. Charlie just wanted to do some cocaine and make-out with me in the restaurant’s toilet. But that hairpiece told Charlie to take off all his clothes and to repeatedly yell out the N-word. It kept telling Charlie to snort more cocaine and then it told him not to pay me. Charlie owed me $12,000 and his hairpiece wouldn’t let him pay me!”

Capri Anderson said that when she and Charlie returned to the hotel room, the hairpiece began to talk to her.

“It kept telling me that I wasn’t a good actress. Telling me that I would never win an Academy Award or even an Emmy. I kept begging Charlie to make the hairpiece shut-up, but at that point Charlie was swinging naked from the chandelier and screaming the N-word. Then the hairpiece began whispering to Charlie in a overly nice way. Next thing I know, Charlie’s coming towards me, telling me that the hairpiece wants to be on my head. That’s when I ran into the bathroom, locked the door and began screaming.”

Charlie’s famous father, Martin Sheen, arrived at Los Angeles police headquarters today carrying his son’s hairpiece in a padlocked heavy metal container. Los Angeles Police then arrested the hairpiece and later a criminal court judge refused to grant it bail. Gloria Allred is representing the hairpiece. She said today that her client pleads not guilty to all charges. The trial date is set for August of 2011.

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