LAS VEGAS – A confidential source says the FBI is investigating Chaz Bono, daughter of entertainers Sonny and Cher, for alleged connections to organized crime. The source said that Bono may hold a high position of power in the chain of command that comprises the families that rule organized crime in America.
The source said FBI agents predict Bono could one day be the most powerful figure in today’s American Mafia. Bono has been under investigation since early this decade when she began gaining large amounts weight and morphing into a man. An outspoken lesbian since the mid-nineties, Chastity Bono officially became a man in 2010 and changed her name to Chaz. But according to the FBI source, the sex change had absolutely nothing to do with Chastity’s sexual preferences.
“Lots of people think Chastity changed her sex because she didn’t want to be a woman, when in reality the sex change was a way of moving closer towards her life long dream of being a powerful Mafia crime boss. She knew she could not realize that dream if she continued to live as a woman.”
Mary Daft was friends with Chaz Bono in high school. She said Chastity was a very pleasant girl who liked to bake cookies, root for the football team and cut the heads off her neighbor’s pets.
“We had a little poodle named Doogie. One day we couldn’t find Doogie and Chastity suggested we look for him in the basement behind a treadmill we never used. Sure enough, there was Doogie, but his head had been cut off! Over the summer several other friends found pets with severed heads and Chastity was always an integral part of uncovering the location of the animals. When many of us began to suspect Chastity, she took everyone to a Cher concert and we got to hang out with Elton John. I completely forgot about Doogie after that.”
The FBI source said Chaz Bono has been obsessed since childhood with a scene from The Godfather where a man wakes up in bed with the bloody head of his prized race horse. Another source said Chaz Bono only watches movies with organized crime themes. From The Valachi Papers to Goodfellas, Chaz is regularly glued to a cinematic portrayal of Mafia life. Once a month however, friends say Bono locks himself in a room with a gallon of ice cream and watches Sounder, starring Cicely Tyson and Paul Winfield.
According to leaked FBI reports, Chastity Bono’s initiation into the Mafia began in 2003 when she robbed a semi-truck containing several hundred cases of bottled water. After realizing the lucrative potential of black market bottled water, she organized a small army of lesbians who robbed bottled water trucks and redistributed the water on the streets of Harlem, East Los Angeles, St. Louis and Carrboro N.C. A former member of that band of criminals spoke to the Daily Rash in an alley behind a laundromat in Gary Indiana.
“We were making money hand over fist, man. I was so stoked to be working along side the former daughter of Sonny and Cher. Then Chaz bought an old warehouse in Jersey City and we started bottling our own water and putting designer labels on it.”
The FBI source estimates Chaz Bono has raked in over 200 million dollars from his phony bottled water business, pre-paid cell phones and black market cable boxes. Although authorities are aware of Bono’s questionable activities, proving it is a whole other ball game. One source said that every time they get close to pulling down the curtains on his criminal enterprise, Bono outwits them.
“She’s a cunning creature. Always one step ahead of the law. Sure, we all want to put her behind bars, but deep down, I think a lot of us respect her grit. I mean, how many little girls do you know who dream of becoming a Mafia Kingpin, let alone having the moxie to make that dream a reality?”
Cher has denied any knowledge of her son’s involvement in nefarious bottled water schemes or the illegal distribution of DVD’s of her Las Vegas Caesars Palace Show, saying she was just a very proud mother.
“My daughter Chastity has taught me that if you really want something and are willing to work hard for it, absolutely anything is possible.”