WASHINGTON – A high level source inside the White House alleges that last weekend CIA operatives waterboarded Nakoula Basseley Nakoulathe, the film producer of the anti-Islam movie the Obama administration blames for the recent violence in the Middle East. The source claims that late Saturday night President Obama had a lengthy phone conversation with CIA Director David Petraeus and afterward the filmmaker was taken from his Los Angeles jail cell and transferred to a secret location in the Nevada desert. He was then flown by military plane to a “black site” in an unspecified third world country and waterboarded for several hours before being transported back to the United States.
When President Obama spoke with reporters the following morning he would only confirm the filmmaker had been relocated.
“After speaking with Director Petraeus I gave the order to have the abhorrent man who made the disgusting film that caused the deadly attack on our embassy moved to a secret location for his own personal safety. Disclosing any details would undermine the reason he was relocated in the first place, which of course, was his personal safety. But I can say that after a lengthy and harsh discussion with persistent covert intelligence operatives the filmmaker begged and pleaded for a chance to make a nice movie about the beloved prophet of the religion of peace.”
“When a movie is made that incites peace loving people to resort to deadly violence it’s my job to shine a glaring and judgmental light on the person responsible for the film and distance myself from his actions. I want to state for the record that I had absolutely nothing to do with that disgusting and stomach churning movie and I apologize on behalf of my country to the overly sensitive Muslims whose feelings were hurt. The prophet of their great religion deserves better.”
Yesterday the State Department released a video on YouTube with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivering messages to the world’s Muslim community about the movie that portrays Mohammad as a licentious halfwit. Following is a partial transcript of their statements:
“Let me state very clearly and I hope it is obvious, that the United States government had absolutely nothing to do with this disgusting and vile film. We absolutely reject its content and message and its loathsome creator. America’s commitment to tolerance for Islam is matched only by our intolerance of Christianity and free speech. At the same time that we force Catholic institutions to provide coverage for abortions and contraception that runs contrary to the foundations of their faith, our backs grow strong from incessantly bending over to redeem ourselves in the eyes of the gentle, fun-loving Muslim people around the world. I promise that along with President Obama I will do everything in my power to ensure that Prophet Mohammad is never again mocked for being an insecure, sex-starved pedophile.”
“As the Commander and Chief of the United States I ordered menacing CIA operatives to aggressively interview the person responsible for the despicable and repugnant film that mocked the Prophet Mohammad as a clueless, horny buffoon. It is vitally important to our reputation in the Muslim community that we exploit the arrogance of the filmmaker by superfluously condemning him and his movie. Since the beginning of my administration the United States has been a nation that respects religious faiths. With the exception of Christianity I reject all efforts that denigrate religious beliefs. Now, although I understand your anger, the American people are going to start laying the responsibility of your violent actions at my feet. I really need you to put aside your eagerness to maim, rape and murder until after the election in November. Once I’m reelected you can resume avenging your beloved apostle of peace without interference from the United States.”
This morning lawyers for the filmmaker said their client is heavily sedated and looking forward to several years of basket weaving in a government controlled mental health facility.