MIAMI, FLORIDA – Former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson is a man with a mission. His obsession with completing that mission is so consuming that it overshadows the glory and grandeur of his former college and professional football coaching days. His desire so strong and powerful, he only sleeps three hours a night before he is up again pursuing that dream:
He wants you to have a bigger penis.
Sitting poolside swigging a Heineken at Miami’s luxurious Four Seasons hotel, Coach Johnson told reporters his story.
“It started two years ago. I’d been taking large quantities of Viagra to offset an inner terror I’d developed about getting older. Although I was walking around with a twenty-four hour erection, I was not satisfied with its size. This prompted even more anxiety. Between popping Viagra and vitamin E, I was taking mega doses of anti-anxiety pills, pills for depression and blood pressure pills on top of that. I was a mess.”
Jimmy looked up as an attractive bikini clad woman walked by. He pointed his finger at her, made a clicking noise with his tongue and winked.
“So anyway, it was Christmas season and I was sitting in my favorite lounge chair with my perpetual boner watching television. An attractive woman with lots of cleavage came on the screen and began talking about how many men lack the size down there that they’d prefer to have. She said most women are disappointed in the size of their men and that she had the remedy for that problem. It was a pill called Extenze.”
“I tend to do things 135%. So when I ordered my first batch of Extenze I ordered twenty thousand tablets. Within a month I was ordering them again.”
Coach Johnson says his life is worth living since he began ingesting large amounts of Extenze.
“Before, I was a shadow of myself. Knowing that I was deficient in a certain part of my body caused me indescribable feelings of inferiority and shame. But now I walk with my head held high. I know that if I can convince a woman to have sex with me, she won’t laugh or look away anymore.”
Coach admits that there was an adjustment period in the beginning.
“I had to learn to walk again, I kid you not!”
The coach snickered and then composed himself.
“It was like I was carrying a canned ham between my legs. Kids would point at me in the mall and giggle at my bow-legged walking style. But after I built up my leg muscles I began to look less like a crab when I walked.”
Coach Jimmie Johnson said being named the spokesperson for Extenze eclipses the glory of his two Super Bowl wins.
“Nothing can match the exhilaration of helping other men enlarge their penises. I know a guy who had such a small thing down there that he was called ‘The Nub’ in high school. He was still a virgin at sixty-six years old. But all that changed after he began ingesting large quantities of Extenze. The Nub is now called The Club and he’s eagerly makin’ up for lots of lost time.”
Last month Jimmy changed the name of his popular Miami restaurant “Three Rings” to Three More Inches.
Dr. Paul Vest runs the psychiatric unit at Bellevue Hospital in NY. He shared his analysis of Coach Johnson.
“What happens with these men is remarkable to observe. They spend all of their time focused on their penis. They take their pills and then keep running to the bathroom to look at their penis. They spend hours in front of mirrors staring at it. They have dreams about their penises. In a sense, they become a penis. After weeks and months of obsessing they begin to lose their minds. They wander into a psychological morass of self-deception and delusion. They eventually convince themselves they’re lugging around a huge lumbering penis. That they’re desired by women because of the monstrous sexual battering ram they possess between their legs.”
When asked if taking Extenze pills could in fact enlarge a penis, Dr. Vest rolled his eyes and sighed – “No.”
When Jimmy Johnson was told what Dr. Vest said he took a sip of his beer and leaned in, “Who you gonna believe? Some guy who works in a loony bin, or an NFL coach who won back to back Super Bowls?”
“Here we go!” he yelled. He jumped up with his beer and began grinding his hips. His devious smile exuded confidence and purpose as his rotating hips hypnotically extended an invitation to an embarrassing adventure in make-believe.
Look for Coach Jimmy and his enhanced Johnson on previous episodes of Survivor Nicaragua, available now on DVD.