New York – A study just released by Columbia University shows that a vast majority of the people who wear Crocs shoes lack enthusiasm, don’t look forward to anything, are unimaginative and don’t have anything worthwhile to say. The study also found that women who wear Crocs shoes routinely disregard shaving their underarms and legs, watch “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” and have a deep disdain for women who are fashionable.
The study was conducted by Sociology Professor Dr. Talmond Rabinowitz in 2009. Over a period of nine months he and his staff interviewed over eight thousand Crocs owners throughout the United States. He told the Daily Rash that his findings surprised even him.
“I was astonished by the staggering number of Crocs wearers who suffer from depression, anxiety, lack of ambition and an overall feeling of worthlessness. The vast majority of the people we interviewed said that they were unable to think of anything that truly interested them. Lethargy and an underlying foundation of malaise permeates the existence of most people who wear Crocs. Although a tiny percentage of Crocs wearers enjoy a sense of security by embracing worthlessness as a way of life, even they admitted to fighting against despair several times a day. And though all Crocs wearers are not obese, all obese people own a pair of Crocs.”
“Many people sighed with relief when Crocs appeared on the shelves of their favorite stores. Crocs alleviate the agony that paralyze so many when there are too many choices. Look at what women face today when they shop for shoes. Many times the average shoe store has hundreds of different styles and brands to choose from. When a woman who doesn’t have any interests outside of television or social issues is faced with choosing a pair of shoes from so many options, many times she’ll just lie down on the floor of the store and go to sleep.”
The study shows that Crocs allow people who’ve always felt disenfranchised and left out to finally feel they are part of a community.
“When I walked into our community center for the Sustainable Alternatives to Mass Produced Organ Meats symposium and saw other people wearing Crocs, I ran to the restroom and cried happy tears.” – Carol L. from Seattle, Washington.
“Crocs allow the average Joe to become a part of his community without worrying everybody else is better than him. I know that when I saw a few of my neighbors wearing Crocs it was as if the dark cloud that had been hovering over me my entire life had evaporated. And when that bright, happy sun began shining I saw for the very first time that there were others like me!” – Andrew S. from Carrboro, North Carolina.
“There is a small percentage of people who wear Crocs who have satisfying lives, who don’t succumb to constant pangs of apathy and listlessness. Most of these are men over the age of sixty who are dressed by their wives. These men haven’t chosen their own clothes for decades. Although they might lack a sense of pride in how they look, most of their unorthodox fashion choices can usually be traced back to passive aggressive wives who purposely adorn them in attire that make them look like buffoons.
The doctor warned against judging children who wear Crocs.
“Children are usually not wearing Crocs of their own volition. Their mothers are usually responsible and there is no reason to think it will have any negative effect on the child in later years. However, if a child, especially a male child, chooses to wear Crocs past the age of ten, I would recommend therapy and possibly removing him from the home.”
The study concludes that wearing Crocs allows people to share with each other that they have little or no self-esteem. That their lives are without meaning and they have long since given up looking forward to anything. That life is more an annoyance than anything else.
“Hey! I didn’t ask to be born!” – Delores K. from Needles, California. Crocs wearer since 2008.