Death Toll Climbs as Los Angeles Celebrates Lakers

LOS ANGELES – As the bodies pile up at the city morgue and inner city alleyways, the residents of Los Angeles continue to celebrate their Lakers’ victory in the NBA championship against the Boston Celtics. Several cars continued to smolder as the sun rose following a night of raucous partying by a city that knows how to champion their hometown teams.

“When the Lakers won, I lost it!” cried Hector Rodriguez of Montebello. “When the game clock expired and we’d officially become the NBA champs for the second year in a row, I turned to my wife and hit her in the head with my forty ounce,” Hector snickered.

“Man, she went down faster than a Kobe Bryant three pointer!”

Placenta Johnson told the Daily Rash that she was driving on the streets of Compton when she heard that the Lakers had just wrapped up their second championship in two years.

“When I heard the news I looked at my kids and told them that our Lakers had done it again. Then I hit the accelerator, mowed down two pedestrians and drove off an overpass. Two of my kids are still in the hospital. Lakers rule!”

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa told reporters that he is proud of his city.

“What can I say? The people of Los Angeles love their Lakers!”

Police Chief Daryl Gates told the Daily Rash that his men have done the best they can to protect the people who aren’t celebrating the Lakers victory.

“There are some folks who aren’t NBA fans. They are a bit perplexed at the festivities in their neighborhoods and alleyways. We’ve got foot patrol walking the beat. We’ve got riot police, SWAT teams and even some national guard troops. Hell, what do you expect when your team wins the NBA championship? You can’t get around the fact that the City of Angels loves their Lakers!”

“Me and my boys were listening to the game on the radio down by the empty river bed,” snarled Kurt Kimball of Echo Park. “When the Lakers became NBA champs we went looking for store windows to shatter. Go Lakers!”

“I was walking down an alley when news rang out that the Lakers won the title. Then I was brutally gang-raped,” grimaced Dorothy Sanders of Bellflower. “But what did I expect? When your team becomes NBA champions, there’s going to be celebrations. Later that night I went over and torched my neighbor’s car. Yay Lakers!”

“I was driving down Figueroa when I heard the news that our Lakers won the NBA title! My excitement got the best of me so I pulled over and began clubbing a homeless guy with my tire iron,” smirked Progressive Insurance agent, Dudley Doolittle of Torrance. “It wasn’t anything I could have prohibited from happening. I had to celebrate my team’s victory!”

In his Huffington Post blog, new-age guru Deepak Chopra extolled the virtues of people releasing their happiness by destroying property and maiming their neighbors.

“There is a river of the spiritually unwashed that courses through the veins of our cities. Those whose needs and wants are rarely met. They are passed over, brushed aside, put in prisons and sometimes even tortured. I call these people ‘Joe-Citizen.’ When they get the chance to finally rejoice about something, we must allow a period of time for them to bludgeon, assault, pummel, destroy and rape. After all, look what we’ve allowed Wall Street and British Petroleum get away with! Do we not, as compassionate people, have an obligation to look the other way while the citizens of L.A. jump up and down on the tops of cars and scream hysterically for their team? If one of them happens to torture a small child in the basement afterward, who are we to judge?”

Lakers stalwart Jack Nicholson echoed the sentiments of his fellow citizens when he tossed a burning cigarette through the window of a passing car after the game.

“I sat court-side the entire series,” Nicholson barked during a phone interview with the Daily Rash. “I tried to hold in my excitement as I walked out of the Staple Center, but mid-way through the parking lot my enthusiasm got the best of me. A car sat idling in traffic with a baby in the back seat. I flipped my cigarette through the window and the next thing you know, I’m helping some gangster kind of guys over-turn a police car.”

Nicholson laughed loudly.

“Hell, the Lakers won the championship! You gotta celebrate!”

 

 

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