HOLLYWOOD – In a startling turn of events last night, actress Demi Moore announced she’d filed for divorce from husband Ashton Kutcher because she is involved with someone new. Rumors began circulating around Hollywood yesterday after Moore tweeted a short but revealing message to her fans:
am seeing special guy 🙂 prepping for biracial backlash 🙁
After hearing that the Daily Rash had unearthed a myriad of substantiations, corroborations, attestations and affirmations which, when cross referenced and verified, led directly to a disabled North Carolina shoe salesman, Demi Moore’s publicist issued a statement acknowledging that Delashaun Cain, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain’s illegitimate son, is Demi Moore’s new love interest.
This morning the Daily Rash spoke with Delashaun Cain’s landlord in Carrboro, North Carolina. At first the landlord denied renting to anyone by that name, unaware that his tenant, Saul Friedman, had changed his name to Delashuan after his mother’s deathbed confession revealed that Herman Cain was his biological father. The landlord was stunned to learn that Mr. Friedman was African American and even more taken aback when told that Demi Moore had filed for divorce to be with him.
“You sure you got the right Saul Friedman?” the landlord coughed.
According to a member of Demi Moore’s inner circle, Demi became emotionally distraught after she read about Delashaun and his dying mother’s confession and became captivated by his photograph on the Daily Rash website.
“As the hours passed Demi became increasingly preoccupied with Delashaun. She put his picture on the screen saver of her 27-inch iMac and another in a frame beside her bed.”
The next day a receptionist at Demi Moore’s cosmetic surgeon’s office noticed a sparkle in the star’s demeanor.
“When Miss Moore showed up for her weekly tune-up she was giggly with a rosy glow, so I assumed she and Ashton had worked out their troubles. I wouldn’t guess in a million years that Demi would fall for an illegitimate African American shoe salesman. Don’t get me wrong, his being African American isn’t what surprises me. I just never imagined Demi falling for someone of illegitimate birth. With her rigid standards of decency, it’s astonishing Demi would lay with a bastard.”
Sources say that after Demi had a private detective dig up Delashaun’s phone number she spent hours trying to summon up the courage to call him.
“She was downing Coronas and chain smoking. When she finally got the guts to dial his number it went straight to voice mail. Then she agonized endlessly over the message she left – Did I say the wrong things? Did I sound stupid? She was a wreck! And wouldn’t you know, when Delashaun finally returned her call that evening Demi was passed out cold.”
When Saul Friedman discovered last week that he was the illegitimate son of Herman Cain, he couldn’t have imagined the onslaught of change about to engulf him. In a phone interview from Antigua where he and Demi have rented a secluded beach house, Delashaun spoke openly about his new life.
“It’s been a bit of an overwhelming week to say the least!” Cain chortled above the sound of ocean waves lapping at the shore. “After my African American father refused to acknowledge me I was shlepping around the house kvetching like a Shlimazel for a couple of days. Then out of the blue there’s a phone message from Hollywood superstar Demi Moore? Hello? Her invitation to join her in Antigua has helped ease the biting pain of being one of the seventy-percent of black children reared without a father.”
“Last week he was pulled over by the police three times before realizing it was due to him driving while black. I told him it’s something we’re just going to have to accept. I bought him Sammy Davis Jr’s inspirational memoir, Yes I Can, because Sammy was also a black Jew who had interracial relationships.”
This afternoon Ashton Kutcher publicly acknowledged Demi’s relationship on his Twitter account:
Wish Demi the best🙂
Help Demi and Delashaun stamp out racism🙁
Delashaun is my homeboy 🙂
Watch Two and a Half Men Mondays @9:00 EST 🙂