NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said that his mother had been in a coma for several months because of complications related to cirrhosis of the liver. Friedman said that before she died Saturday morning his mom regained consciousness for several seconds and revealed Herman Cain was his father before taking her final breath.
Accompanied by his attorney, Mr. Friedman told reporters of the suspicions he had growing up that he was African American.
“From an early age I was inexplicably drawn to black people. Their eating habits, their hairstyles and the way they spoke. Anyone who knows me can tell you the profound influence rap music has had on me. Throughout my life I always had a deep rooted suspicion that my biological father was a wealthy black man. Today I just want to express the jubilation I feel knowing that I am an African American.”
Delashaun was born Saul Yitzhak Friedman in Newark, New Jersey, the only child of Elishevea and Chacham Friedman. After Chacham Friedman perished in a horrifying hot air balloon fire in the late sixties, Elishevea and baby Saul relocated to North Carolina where she accepted a job teaching kindergarten. It was in Carrboro that Elishevea began her long and tortuous decent into alcoholism. Delashaun always believed his mother’s alcoholism was the result of mourning for her dead husband, but now he wonders if it was the guilt and shame of reproducing with Herman Cain that caused her to seek solace in a bottle.
Delashaun’s Attorney, Carson “Butch” Calhoun, issued a statement to reporters.
“On Saturday my client experienced several profound, life altering revelations. At the age of forty-four he learned that his real father is a wealthy business man, a candidate running for the office of President of the United States and an African American. Individually these shocking truths would warrant compensation for long term, in-depth psychological counseling. But the emotional lump sum of these bewildering truths is too heavy a load for one person to bear without the comfort and support that only a sizable settlement would ensure.”
Carson “Butch” Calhoun explained his client’s intentions.
“My client is elated about his African American heritage. He calls himself Delashaun now and is eager to adopt the Cain surname. The last thing he wants is to interfere with his dad’s presidential campaign. Quite the contrary, he’s looking forward to hitting the campaign trail and helping his dad become the next president of the United States. He’s already talking about celebrating Christmas 2013 at the White House as a member of the First Family. All he seeks is his dad’s unconditional love along with compensation for the eighteen years of child support he and his poor dead mother never received.”
REPORTER: Mr. Cain, how do you respond to Delashaun Friedman’s claim that you are his father?
HERMAN CAIN: Say what?
REPORTER: A forty-four year old white man named Delashaun Friedman says his dying mother told him that you were his father.
HERMAN CAIN: A white man named what?
REPORTER: Delashaun Friedman.
HERMAN CAIN: If I’m this fool’s daddy how come he’s white?
REPORTER: He says it’s because his mom is Jewish.
HERMAN CAIN: (laughing) OK! Joke’s on me! You got me.
HERMAN CAIN: (Gasping) For the love of God!
After catching his breath, Herman Cain took a closer look at the photo.
HERMAN CAIN: Lord have mercy.…
Last night, Attorney Carson “Butch” Calhoun amended his client’s parental expectations.
“Delashaun Cain is so determined to make this relationship work that he’s willing to temporarily wave the back child support compensation in exchange for room and board in Mr. Cain’s home along with use of the family car and a reasonable weekly allowance.”