ATLANTIC CITY – According to his friends and relatives, Frank Sinatra Jr. is getting his house in order. As his neighbors peer nervously through drawn curtains, gawking motorists slow to a crawl in front of the singer’s home with hopes of catching a glimpse of Frank Sinatra’s only son. According to his gardener, ever since doctors told him that he was going to explode and there was nothing they could do to help him, Frank Sinatra Jr. has been a different man.
“He’s a lot nicer. The other day he stopped and smelled a rose bush I was trimming and afterward he looked to be deep in thought.”
Although the news that he’s going to explode is dire, the gardener said Sinatra is more concerned with the difficulty he’s having visiting with friends and relatives.
“Even his most loyal admirers are hesitant to be in the same room with him. His sister Tina visited the other day and after just a couple of minutes she ran from the house terrified, her hands covering her ears fearing an explosion.”
When long time friends Don Rickles and Bob Newhart came to visit, they were afraid to enter the house. Instead they stayed in the driveway and talked to Frank Jr. on a cell phone while he stood in a bedroom window and waved.
The Daily Rash spoke with Frank Sinatra Jr on the phone this morning.
DAILY RASH: How are you feeling Mr. Sinatra?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Well, why don’t you attempt a guess?
DAILY RASH: Confused?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Oh, just a little bit.
DAILY RASH: Frightened?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Yeah, I guess you could say I’m a little frightened.
DAILY RASH: Angry?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Oh, I’m angry all right!
DAILY RASH: Sad?
FRANK SINATRA JR: How long is this going to go on? I could blow any minute.
DAILY RASH: Have you made plans to accommodate your explosion?
FRANK SINATRA JR: I’m trying to keep my activities contained to rooms with strong storm windows.
THE DAILY RASH: We’ve been told that very few people are willing to be in the same room with you since you can explode at any moment.
FRANK SINATRA JR: I can’t really blame them. I know how anxious I’d be sitting next to a guy who could ignite without warning. I have an elderly neighbor that visits who isn’t afraid. She’s ninety-seven and has a hard time remembering who I am. If I explode when she’s visiting I doubt if she’d be too upset.
THE DAILY RASH: What’s the name of your condition?
FRANK SINATRA JR: The medical name is too hard to pronounce. There’s only been one other case ever recorded and that was a Mongolian woman in 1901. She was rather large and when she exploded the blast was so violent that it killed her entire family.
THE DAILY RASH: What would your father be thinking if he were still alive?
FRANK SINATRA JR: About himself. How it might affect him. What others might be saying behind his back.
THE DAILY RASH: And your sister Nancy? How’s she dealing with all this?
FRANK SINATRA JR: I haven’t heard from her. She’s on tour.
THE DAILY RASH: Nancy is touring?
FRANK SINATRA JR: She’s the opening act for the Too Live Crew Reunion Farewell Tour.
THE DAILY RASH: Still singing these boots were made for walkin’?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Yeah, but they’re orthopedic boots now.
THE DAILY RASH: Your teeth are quite discolored. Is that a result of your impending explosion?
FRANK SINATRA JR: No.
THE DAILY RASH: You’ve lived your life in your father’s shadow. Even after his death, his stigma seems to follow you around.
FRANK SINATRA JR: It hasn’t been easy.
THE DAILY RASH: But you’ve done OK for yourself with your Sinatra tributes, the periodic gigs with big bands that used to play for him. It’s not like you haven’t milked it for every penny you could get.
FRANK SINATRA JR: I’ve done what I’ve had to do.
THE DAILY RASH: When you do detonate, it’s definitely going to put you on the front page.
FRANK SINATRA JR: Nah! The headlines will still read: Frank Sinatra’s Son Explodes!
THE DAILY RASH: Do the doctors know how long it might be until the big bang?
FRANK SINATRA JR: All they know for sure is that I’m going to shatter violently. It could be in a few seconds or a few years.
THE DAILY RASH: You might have to live like this for years?
FRANK SINATRA JR: Yes.
THE DAILY RASH: How do you cope?
FRANK SINATRA JR: I drink lots of vodka. Right out of the bottle.
THE DAILY RASH: Is it true you’re planning a Vegas farewell show?
FRANK SINATRA JR: We’re in negotiations with the Palace Station Casino-Hotel. The same hotel where OJ Simpson robbed that guy. They want to build a transparent strong box for me to perform in.
FRANK SINATRA JR: Nobody will get hit. But just in case, protective eye-wear will be available for purchase.
THE DAILY RASH: That’s going to be a hot ticket!
FRANK SINATRA JR: Damn right! Who’s going to turn down a chance to see Frank Sinatra Jr. explode? And in the very same hotel that O.J. Simpson robbed a guy at gunpoint? Get outta here!
THE DAILY RASH: We understand you’re dedicating the show to your dad?
FRANK SINATRA JR: If it wasn’t for the old man, my inevitable explosion would be back page news.
THE DAILY RASH: What’s the show called?
FRANK SINATRA JR: I did it his way.