MADISON, WISCONSIN – Secret Service agents forcibly removed Vice President Joe Biden from a Democratic fund raiser in Madison yesterday after he brutally assaulted an elderly woman. When Margaret Millhouse told the vice president that she thought his administration was spending too much money, Biden leaned into the woman, prodded her with his finger and began cursing her. When the woman tried to wrestle away from him, the vice president grabbed her by the throat and punched her in the stomach. Then Biden grabbed her head with both of his hands and gave her a bone crunching head-butt, sending the fragile octogenarian flailing backwards where she toppled over a banister and dropped down a stairwell. Biden’s assault on the 81 year-old heart patient came just twenty-four hours after he called a store manager a “smart-ass.”
“I couldn’t believe my own eyes!” cried Betty McClure of Milwaukee. “I watched my vice president clobber an old woman because she dared to speak her mind? What is our world coming to?”
“It’s just despicable! Despicable I tell you!” clamored Seymour Hammer of Lake Geneva. “I’m eighty two years old and I’ve gone my whole life without resorting to hitting defenseless women. And believe you me, if you met my wife you’d realize how remarkable that is. That lady that Biden belted today? Hell, she’ll be lucky to regain consciousness. Just despicable!”
President Obama spoke about the incident to Barbara Walters when he appeared on The View this morning.
“We’ve given Vice President Biden a Paxil prescription and as I speak, he is attending his very first anger management class. Although he left the Gulf of Mexico before having any actual progress in sealing that oil leak, he will be returning on Wednesday. Fact is, I’ve ordered him to remain in the gulf, even if he does figure out a way to stop that pesky leak.”
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi spoke with reporters inside the halls of congress.
“I have known Vice President Biden for so many years. I’ve watched him deal with the trials and tribulations that only he can attract. Today’s vicious assault on that old lady is just another indication that all of us, we who have sacrificed our lives to serve the people of America, are human. We are human beings!”
“I know how hard it can be to have to listen to someone tell you that you don’t matter. That your efforts are not appreciated. I know first hand what it’s like to be written off, pushed aside, humiliated in front of others. I only wish that I might have had the gumption that my friend Joe Biden had and taken advantage of head-butts when I had the opportunities.”
Margaret Millhouse was taken by helicopter to First Presbyterian Hospital where doctors say she is in critical but stable condition.
“Mrs. Millhouse suffered a severe concussion from the vice president’s head-butt. It also appears that her spleen was ruptured when he punched her in the stomach. The fall down the three flights of stairs broke her back and left arm. Her right shoulder was dislocated and her right ear drum was punctured. She may never walk or hear again. But other than that, we expect her to recover somewhat over time.”
Joe Biden issued a televised statement from his bedroom at the Vice Presidential mansion.
“I just want to say I’m sorry to that woman that I brutally beat. I want the people of America to understand that I did not react to that kind woman’s words with anger. I did not give her that head-butt out of any kind of retaliation. I did not grab her by the face and punch her in the stomach because she offended me. Her fall down those three flights of stairs had nothing to do with my thin skin or a fragile ego.”
“As anyone who knows me is aware, I’ve been a big Los Angeles Lakers fan for many years. When they won the championship last year, I dislocated my wife Jill’s jaw with a can of baked beans. When the Lakers won again this year, I made a concerted effort to reign in my celebratory emotions so that no one was harmed. But today I was no longer able to hold in my feelings of happiness about the Lakers winning the NBA Championship and that elderly woman was the recipient of my unbridled joy.”
Then Vice President Biden jumped up and down several times before shattering his water glass against his skull.
“Lakers Rule!! Go Lakers!”