The last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank of a lake arguing with a disgruntled midget. – School Principal Bertrand Calhoun Luedecking Jr.
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – An elementary school principal is causing quite a stir in this southern California city after showing up to work last week with his entire head and face covered in colorful tattoos. His explanation for how it happened is as fascinating as his brightly designed skull. Principal Bertrand Luedecking claims that he blacked out after drinking too much alcohol and that when he woke up, his head and face had been tattooed.
“I woke up in the back of a van in the parking lot of a Dollar General store embracing a large rubber boot,” Principal Luedecking told reporters. “The song Betty Davis Eyes was repeatedly playing on a tape deck and my head ached so bad that I wondered if I could go blind. I mean, like, it really hurt.”
After acquiring a bachelors degree in Sociology at Orange Coast College, Bertrand Luedecking attended Chaffrey College where he earned his Ph.D. in Conformity. It was during his first semester at Chaffrey that he met and impregnated Nancy Slotneck. They married soon after and settled down to raise a family. Mr. Luedecking began teaching 2nd grade at Scarsdale Elementary and five years later was promoted to vice principal. After the school’s principal took his own life in 2010, Luedecking took over the position on his 40th birthday.
Fountain Valley Police said they arrested Principal Luedecking after a concerned citizen called to report a bewildered man with a cartoon head standing in the middle of the 405 freeway holding a big rubber boot. Sgt. Canyon O’Keefe questioned Luedecking at the station house.
“Mr. Luedecking reeked of alcohol and was delirious. He didn’t know where he was, how he ended up in the van or the meaning of the large rubber boot. His eyes were as blood shot as Elizabeth Taylor’s and his elbow was bleeding. He didn’t have a clue that his head had been tattooed.”
Principal Luedecking said his night began innocently enough when he met college buddies at a local Hooters for beer and chicken wings. He said it was when the party moved to a bowling alley next door that he met several carnival workers and a period of aggressive drinking ensued. Luedecking agreed to go bar hopping with the carnival workers and left his college buddies behind.
“My memory gets blurry after we left the bowling alley. I remember being in a bar and arm wrestling a very old priest. Later, when I was in the bathroom trying to talk a guy out of committing suicide the same priest appeared, demanding to arm wrestle again. I’m pretty sure that’s why my elbow was bleeding. After that I remember being in an alley giving a homeless woman a back-rub … and the last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank of a lake arguing with a disgruntled midget.”
Luedecking’s tattooed head has shaken things up at Scarsdale Elementary.
“I always liked Principal Luedecking,” Doris Clack lamented. “Our son Carson is in the fifth grade and he was chosen by Principle Luedecking to be a flag boy along with little Peter Porter last year. It’s their responsibility to hoist the flag every morning, de-hoist it at the end of the school day or in case it rains or there’s a nuclear attack.” Mrs. Calhoun sighed and then continued. “I really don’t know what to think of Mr. Luedecking’s new head. When I first saw it I thought I was having one of my attacks because he seemed other worldly to me. But after I took my pills everything was fine.”
“My little Jimmy came home in tears and said there was a monster at school that wanted to kill him,” cried stay at home mom, Shirley Schlatte. “Jimmy’s therapist suggested we remove peanuts from his diet and get him involved in activities that will build his confidence, like badminton or Jarts. We’re just hoping that Jimmy doesn’t end up a shut-in when he gets older. It runs in our family and that Principal’s head isn’t making it any easier for him to get through the day.”
Known for his buoyant personality, Principal Luedecking said that except for a day or two of heinous despair he’s adjusted to his new look and is focusing on the positive.
“I’m a can-do kind of guy, always have been. Life throws you a curve ball every now and then and sometimes that curve ball hits you smack in the face. I’m not going to dwell on the devastation to my marriage or the shame that has paralyzed my children. I’m going to focus on being the best elementary school principal I can be. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”
Several hours after Principal Luedecking’s upbeat comments, the Fountain Valley City Council voted unanimously to have him terminated.