NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit in the breakdown of a marriage. The idea that they might be hauling around an exorbitant wealth of fecal excess didn’t concern most people. Most Americans were oblivious to the undermining effect a bounty of inner sludge might be having on their relationships, careers, even the ability to participate in community activities. It wasn’t until a remarkable product called Colon Flow appeared on store shelves that millions of people discovered they suffered from a no-good, shiftless, do-nothing bowel.
Barb and Don McClousky were on the brink of ending their nine year marriage. Don was on disability and Barb worked ten hour days at the Laundry Chute Dry Cleaners to help make ends meet. Grimaces and sighs permeated the air the few hours a day that they saw each other. During the little time she had off work everyday, Barb had met a nice man on the Internet and created a secret email account so she could correspond with him without Don knowing. Don spent his days in front of the television eating Hostess Cupcakes and drinking whole milk out of the container. Don admits that every now and then he “would question my existence.” Even his half-brother Jon was worried Don had fallen into a dark psychological hole too deep to escape.
“I told him that he was in a hole that might be too deep to escape from,” Joe said.
Last Christmas Eve Don was sitting in his favorite chair eating cupcakes, drinking milk and watching Hoarders. When he got up during a commercial break to get more milk, he slipped on a cupcake wrapper and fell, cracking his skull on the coffee table. When he regained consciousness several hours later he heard a Colon Flow commercial blaring from the television. Don said that minutes later he was on the phone sobbing as he spoke with a Colon Flow representative.
“I’m sure I had a spiritual awakening,” Don recalled, “because everything was very colorful and I’m pretty sure I saw something glowing in the other room. And let me tell you, when that Colon Flow representative finished enlightening me about my excessive fecal weight, I knew my life would never be the same again. So I pulled out my wife’s credit card and purchased a large quantity of Colon Flow.”
The night he made the call to Colon Flow, Don estimates he was carrying in excess of thirty-two pounds of fecal weight. Today his fecal weight is down to a paltry two and a half pounds and he’s off the cupcakes.
“Hell, I haven’t had a cupcake in almost two months. I rarely even think about ’em anymore. But if I do, I just look at the jar of my excess fecal that I keep on the mantel to remind me where I came from. And believe you me, when I see that jar I don’t think about cupcakes anymore.”
Barb says the change in their marriage is as wonderful as the change in Don.
“I really was about to have an affair. I’d met a nice man online who said he had a big boat, a big car and other big things. And then when Don came into my room that night crying like a baby and mumbling about his feces, I thought I was going to be sick. I threw a cupcake at him and ordered him out of my room.”
“The next day when I got home from the Chute, I walked in and Don was standing on his head in the kitchen, naked, just like he used to do when we dated in high school. I noticed that the trash can was stuffed with boxes of cupcakes and milk containers. I also noticed that Don had a boner. When I saw the boner I knew things had changed!”
Since discarding pounds of excessive fecal weight, Don McClousky got a high paying job in finance, joined a gym where he recently began teaching aerobics, became a big brother to a fatherless boy and last week he hit a game winning home-run in the company softball championship. Don says he and Barb have sexual intercourse six times a day and it’s all because he rid himself of annoying excess fecal weight.
“Now I can live the life I was supposed to live,” Don exclaimed. “Sure, I’ve got the occasional oily discharge and ferocious bouts of agonizing diarrhea, but other than that there aren’t any side affects. And it’s all because of Colon Flow!”