SCOTT DEPOT, WV – After dozens of complaints from residents of this small West Virginia town, Putnam County Sheriff’s deputies escorted former President Jimmy Carter out of Robert Byrd State Park yesterday and transported him back to his hotel in a police cruiser. Mr. Carter smiled and waved to onlookers from the squad car. Because of numerous reports of impropriety the officers warned the president that if he returns to the park he would be given a citation and possibly be arrested.
“President Carter is in his eighties now and it broke my heart making him leave the park,” Sheriff Clyde Snatch told reporters. “I don’t think he meant any harm, but he was frightening our citizens so we were forced to take action.”
Jimmy Carter’s attorney claims the former president visited the park every day to soak up some sun, listen to birds chirp and to wave to people.
“Mr. Carter loves people. There’s nothing more thrilling for him than to sit comfortably on a park bench and meet people. Mr. Carter wants everyone to know that his visits to the park were always benign and free from malice.”
Kimberly Hunt used to bring her five-year old to the park to play. The first time she saw President Carter she was overwhelmed with excitement.
“When I saw him sitting in the park I was so surprised and happy. I’ve always loved President Carter so I hesitantly walked over and introduced myself. He was so very nice. He said hello to my son and even gave him candy. He showed so much interest in my family, where my husband worked, how long we’d been married. He even asked for my address. I was so taken with his presence that I didn’t question it when he asked me to draw him a detailed map of the inside of our house. It didn’t seem weird at the time. I mean, he was the President of the United States, for crying out loud.”
But Kimberly said she grew uneasy when Mr. Carter was in the park every day, day after day, week after week.
“Sometimes I just didn’t feel like talking to him, but when he’d see me he’d wave and I felt obligated. The day he asked if my little boy’s bowel movements were regular was kind of the turning point for me. When I told him he’d been having problems with constipation the president asked me to describe the consistency of his stool. I was even more startled when he asked me to put a sample of it in a sandwich bag and bring it to the park the next day. That was just too weird. I mean, handing a former president of the United States a sandwich bag filled my with son’s poop? Something about that ain’t right.”
On weekdays Casey Oxley wanders over from his office and eats lunch in the park. He said President Carter invited him to sit and chat with him one day. His initial excitement turned to unease when the former president began asking probing questions.
“When he asked about my family he wanted to know their full names, where they lived and how old they were. He became particularly interested in my older sister, Jasmine, who’s married with four kids. He asked me if I would drive him to her house so he could visit. When I said that she lived in Tennessee he suggested we take a Greyhound bus. I thought he was joking until he pulled out a wad of hundred dollar bills and suggested we leave right then.”
Long time Scott Depot resident Tad Connors remembered his encounter with President Carter.
“The President asked me if I’d bring my comatose uncle to the park with me. He said he would pay to have him hauled in a van. When I asked him why he wanted to do that he smiled and said he was just being neighborly.”
“The president told me if I took him to my house he would neuter my dog,” said another park visitor.
Shirley Gaines was almost nine months pregnant when she met President Carter in the park.
“I told him my baby was due any day and he said he’d never seen a baby being born. When I said we would love for him to see the baby after I delivered he said he wanted to be there when my baby was born! I felt trapped. How do you say no to the president of the United States?”
Mrs. Gaines said President Carter was with her during the birth of her daughter and that he even cut the umbilical cord.
“He took photographs of the entire birth and then posted them on Facebook! I couldn’t believe it. I was so humiliated because many of the pictures are very graphic. When we found out later that he’d kept the umbilical cord we changed our phone number and stopped going to the park.”
Following his removal from the park, President Carter checked out of the Super 8 motel where he’d been staying for several months and flew back home to Plains, Georgia. Representatives for President Carter have declined to comment.