Gary Busey Wants to Discipline Your Children

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA  РFor the rest of his life actor Gary Busey says he wants to discipline children. Last year the Associated Press reported that for several months Busey experienced an uneasy feeling growing inside him. The actor told a reporter he became aware of dramatic changes in himself as the uneasy feeling intensified.

“I didn’t know what the feelings were about for quite some time,” Busey recalled. “As they grew, I became more and more uneasy. I eventually became so uneasy that I had a friend lock me in the cellar of his home in Missouri. I sat in that cellar for almost five days with nothing but containers of pure rain water, Wheat Thin crackers and a big hunk of boiled honey ham. We’d cleared out the cellar beforehand except for an old stained mattress on the floor. I was completely naked except for a white headband. I sat in the dark and trembled with indescribable fear and uncertainty.”

After he’d finished off the last of the ham, Busey said he came to understand the metamorphosis he’d been experiencing.

“I clearly saw that my purpose in life from that moment on was to discipline children.”

Busey began to realize his purpose with small steps. At first he offered his services to family members and friends.

“It took a few months for my friends to understand that I had been given a gift. When I screamed obscenities into the face of their four year-old daughter or son, the parents weren’t evolved enough to see the beauty behind it. When a close family member threatened to remove his six year-old son from my sessions, out of compassion I informed him that I would be forced to rip out his endocrine system unless he gave me another chance. He came to understand the magical gift I’d been given”

For the past year, Gary Busey has been disciplining children all over the country. His services are so in demand that he’s had to lease a private jet and travels with a personal secretary. Variety recently speculated that Busey is making far more money disciplining children than he ever did acting.

“I’m not going to divulge how much money I’m taking in,” Busey confessed, “but I will say, when you find your true calling the money flows to you effortlessly.”

To say Busey’s methods are unorthodox would be an understatement. He’s been known to get so close into the face of young children when he yells at them that their little noses have tiny razor-like cuts from Busey’s large sharp teeth.

Yet in less than a year, Busey’s services have become the new “it” thing in Hollywood. His clients include Nicole Kidman, Celine Dion, Angelina Jolie and Alec Baldwin. There are rumors that Donald Sutherland had Busey discipline his fifty year-old celebrity son, Keifer.

“If you haven’t had your kids disciplined by Gary Busey, then you’re not going to get work in Hollywood,” remarked a movie business insider. “I know couples who lie when they’re at industry parties and tell others that Busey’s disciplined their kids. It’s nuts. But you’re nobody in this town if Busey hasn’t disciplined your kids.”

Recent Busey convert, Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Guitierrez, better known around the world as the OctoMom, said Gary Busey really does have a gift when it comes to disciplining children.

“It was my mother’s idea to have Gary discipline my seven and eight year-olds. The results were so amazing that we’re going to have him discipline the twelve babies next month.”

Another Busey client, actress and former lesbian, Ann Heche, tried to explain Busey’s methods and his remarkable results.

“I have no idea what that man does,” she laughed gingerly, sipping a diet soda. “All I know is, my eight year old has become the most well behaved child. After his sessions with Gary he really seems to be at peace with himself. He’s quiet and he’s comfortable just sitting in a chair for hours on end.”

She leaned back in her chair and sipped her drink.

“Before Gary, my kid would cry all the time,” she continued. “Sometimes he would even scream and throw his toys. Since I hired Gary my son has become an angel. When we have a dinner party we can just put him in a room all by himself and we never hear a noise from him. It’s almost like he doesn’t exist. It is just amazing.”

Today there is an eight month waiting period for parents reserving Gary Busey’s services. Although his rates begin at $1,000 an hour, if you’re anybody in Hollywood, Gary Busey discipline’s your kids.

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