DUBLIN – Less than two years after he made national news for urinating on the cabin floor of a commercial airliner, French movie star Gerard Depardieu stunned passengers on a Dublin bus yesterday when he dropped his pants and defecated in the aisle. Bus driver Peter Flanagan told authorities that Depardieu was making “all kinds of fuss” when the bus was stuck in traffic but the driver was unable to discern what was causing the famous actor to be so upset.
“He was speaking French and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He finally yelled out ‘stop! stop!’ in English, which didn’t make any sense because we’d been idling in one spot for several minutes in a traffic jam. It was when passengers began screaming and moving from the center of the bus that I saw the man defecating in the aisle.”
Bus driver Flanagan sighed and wiped his brow.
“Of all the things I’ve seen driving a bus for fifteen years, I never imagined I’d witness a rich movie star pinching a loaf on the floor of my crowded bus in the middle of the day.”
An elderly gentleman who’d been sitting in the rear of the bus said Depardieu was acting extremely agitated.
“I became aware of him when he started yelling ‘Je veux crapper! Je veux crapper!’ which, if I’m not mistaken, is French for I have to crap. I was perplexed why a grown man would be yelling that in the middle of a crowded bus. Just didn’t make any sense. Of course, when he actually took the crap I understood that he’d done his best to prepare us for what turned out to be a momentous, albeit a frightfully unpleasant, experience.”
Depardieu’s publicist issued a statement earlier today defending the film star.
“In 2011 when Gerard Depardieu’s bladder was about to explode, Air France Airline employees sadistically forbid him access to restroom facilities, leaving him no choice but to urinate on the floor of the plane. Earlier today in Dublin, when Mr. Depardieu’s bowels ballooned to agonizing proportions on a city bus ride, the driver refused to heed his pleas for help, forcing my client to relieve himself on the floor of the bus. Mr. Depardieu wants me to thank all his fans who’ve supported him through these trying times and would like to remind everyone to join his Facebook fan page.”
Patty O’Doherty was riding the bus with her ten year-old daughter when Depardieu boarded.
“When he got on the bus he frightened my little girl. He’s a hulking chap with an obscenely bulbous nose and he was breathing heavily. When he began yelling it was quite menacing and I could tell she was afraid. But when he dropped his pants and started….”
Mrs. O’Doherty paused and puffed on her cigarette.
“I don’t know if my little girl will ever speak again. No child should witness what she saw. It’s been hours and she just sits there with a terrified look on her face. I even offered her cookies but she wouldn’t respond. The doctor said it could be several months before the impact of the trauma begins to dissipate enough to make a precise diagnosis.”
“I saw the creep dropping a big load in the middle of the bus and found out later he’s a famous movie star. If he’s such a big movie star why’s he taking a crap on my bus? I can’t imagine Lawrence Olivier taking a dump on a bus. Richard Harris or Peter O’Toole wouldn’t take a sh*t on a city bus, even if they were drunk. You think Liam Neeson ever considered evacuating his bowels on a bus in front of children? But a French actor, he’ll crap on my bus.”
By the time police arrived Gerard Depardieu had left the scene. Witnesses say that he exited the bus buckling his belt and looking quite relieved. He disappeared into some bushes lining the road and has not been seen since.