NEW HAMPSHIRE – Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager denies that anyone on his staff paid a man to stare at Mitt Romney in an intimidating way during last night’s Republican debate in Manchester. But an anonymous source claims that a Gingrich campaign staffer gave a sinister looking man $137 and McDonald’s gift certificates to glare menacingly at Governor Romney at the New Hampshire debate.
“We didn’t pay anybody to sit in the front row and stare at Mitt Romney in an intimidating fashion,” campaign manager Michael Krull said. “That’s not how we do things around here.”
The hired man, Magnum V. Vanderschlausen, lives half a mile from the Des Moines airport with his sister and his ex-mother-in-law. He is a former rollerskating rink attendant who has been unemployed for the last decade. He freely admits he was trained to stare in an intimidating manner in order to make Governor Romney feel uncomfortable at the debate. Vanderschlausen maintains he does not know who is paying him.
“I was at a Denny’s restaurant late one night when a large man wearing an overcoat and sunglasses sat down at my table. He asked if I was working and I told him no but that I could repair flat tires and babysit for a below market rate. He took my phone number and said he would get back to me.”
Vanderschlausen looked around suspiciously and cleared his throat.
“It’s not the first time a stranger asked for my phone number at Denny’s,” he whispered, and then simultaneously clicked his tongue and winked.
“Anyway,” he continued, “the next day I got a call and was asked if I would be willing to travel to New Hampshire and stare at Governor Romney in a penetrating way at the Republican debate. Without missing a beat I yelled out, F*ck yeah!”
“That woman’s never had any confidence in my brother. Every day she belittles him, calls him cuss word names and laughs at him when he stutters. No matter how hard he tries, he can never please her.”
Vanderschlausen said he is being coached to intimidate by a professional wrestler late at night at a secret location. He said the training sessions are grueling but invigorating.
“My trainer is the best. He growls and spits and yells and, I just can’t get enough of it. I’ve never been told so many times how talented I am. The louder he yells the harder I stare. I hope one day maybe we can be roommates or something. Even though he’s ten years younger he’s become sort of a father figure to me.”
When asked about Magnum Vanderschlausen, Newt Gingrich assured the Daily Rash that he was not involved.
“I have a fundamental aversion to below-the-belt tactics, backdoor maneuvers and unsavory subterfuge. If Mr. Vanderschlausen is a citizen concerned enough about his country that he plans to attend the Republican debate in New Hampshire, he’s a patriot as far as I’m concerned. How he chooses to look at someone is a freedom as fundamental as the right to own a gun, start a business or serve divorce papers. I’m not going to start judging people on their facial expressions. Callista and I aren’t like that and I’m willing to bet the American people aren’t either.”
When asked about Magnum Vanderschlausen, Mitt Romney’s eyes lit up.
“Ah heck, I’m sure he’s a good enough fella and I look forward to shaking his hand after the debate. And I’ll tell you another thing, if anyone on our staff has a flat tire, I know who we’re going to hire to fix that darn thing. That’s what a Romney administration will do from day one, create jobs for Americans who are chomping at the bit to get back to work, gosh darn it.”
“Oh, that’s all just a bunch of nonsense. America needs to get its nose out of everybody’s business. What business is it of mine if a man wants to sneer at somebody? Hell, if he wants to sneer, let him sneer. But I’ll tell ya what sticks in my craw… how come nobody is asking why the man lives with his ex-mother-in-law?”