Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

TEXAS – In what some are calling a desperate attempt to garner support from the conservative base, Republican presidential candidate, Texas Governor Rick Perry, spent the weekend patrolling the Texas-Mexico border armed with a high powered rifle. At a town hall meeting on Friday, Perry told constituents that if they couldn’t depend on the federal government to secure America’s borders, then he would do the job himself. True to his word, Governor Perry spent the weekend lying in wait on a hill top overlooking the Rio Grande with his sniper rifle. The Governor also made use of a grenade launcher and on Sunday patrolled the border from a helicopter.

In an interview on FOX News, Greta Van Susteren questioned the Governor about patrolling the border.

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN:  Governor Perry, don’t you think a fence would be an easier way to deter illegal immigrants from crossing the border?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Uh, some hard working Americans want a fence, sure, but I don’t know how to build a fence, to be honest with you.

GRETA:  How many illegal aliens have you shot?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  It’s not a competition, ya know, where you uh, keep score and brag over cocktails at the clubhouse.

GRETA:  Then how do the American people know you’re really keeping them safe if you….

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Uh…let’s just say I’m runnin’ pretty low on ammo. How’s that for keepin’ the American people safe?

GRETA:  Governor, will you continue to do this if you’re elected president?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  If it makes the American people happy, well then darn tootin’!

GRETA:  Some may feel the president should be focusing on more important matters like say, dealing with unemployment and the bad economy.

GOVERNOR PERRY:  When I secure that border there will be more jobs and uh, the economy will not be bad anymore. And you can take that to the bank.

GRETA: Do you think shooting at people with a high powered rifle is a good trait for a president to have?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Uh, sure. You can’t get more American than that.

GRETA:  Which trait do you think is most important in a president?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  The one hard workin’ Americans want the most. And I’m here, uh, to tell you that.

GRETA:  Which one is that?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  I would never presume to read the minds of patriotic Americans.

GRETA:  Skeptics say you’re willing to do anything to boost your poll numbers.

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Well that’s probably why they call ’em skeptics.

GRETA:  Because they think you’re pandering?


GRETA:  Are you pandering, Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  No, but I have Choctaw Indian ancestors.

GRETA:  Are you endeavoring to regain an edge in the Republican presidential race?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Now that would be panhandling. (Governor Perry stares into space)

GRETA:  Do you honestly think Americans want their leaders to shoot illegal aliens?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  I can tell you one thing, the American people don’t want their leaders to shoot legal ones. I guarantee you that. That’s not what America is all about.

GRETA: Governor, that video of you, were you drunk?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Of course not. Uh, I was in a good mood. Democrats think you can only be in a good mood if you’ve been drinking and uh, the American people won’t stand for that.

GRETA:  Drinking?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Uh, no, uh…. the American people are, uh, aware that there’s no room for bipartisanship when they’re being strangled with, uh…

GRETA:  No room for bipartisanship?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  None at all. The American people are tired of Washington not getting things done.

GRETA:  Do you mean partisanship, Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  I mean that the American people want a leader not a breeder. Someone they can depend on.

GRETA: (Looks confused) Herman Cain said they want a leader, not a reader.

GOVERNOR PERRY:  And my friend Herman Cain is a leader. So are we all. (long pause) And I’m a leader too.

GRETA:  Are you a reader, Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  I told you I will not read the minds of the American people. Hard workin’ Americans don’t want that. My administration will rebuild the economy and return America to the land of exceptionalism on the hill under the bright light.

GRETA: (Looks confused) Governor, name the first three priorities of your administration if you’re elected president.

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Jobs, jobs and uh….

GRETA:  Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Had ya goin’ didn’t I?

GRETA:  You don’t remember the third one do you, Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  Uh, had ya goin’ didn’t I?

GRETA: Governor?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  (Looks to the side with his hand behind his ear) Huh? There’s a what? A border emergency? Say no more!

GRETA:  An emergency?

GOVERNOR PERRY:  (Gets up and puts his coat on) That’s right and the American people would expect me to drop everything and lead. So I’m going to go lead because the American people want that in uh….a leader, who leads.

Governor Perry ran from the studio to lead in an emergency.



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One Response to Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

  1. Rick Perry | Wugez on December 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

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