Virginia Beach, Virginia – Pat Robertson went on the 700 Club earlier today and apologized for his comments about Haiti after the country was destroyed by an earthquake Tuesday. He told a television camera that earlier in the day he’d received a copy of Haiti’s contract with Satan, and that it did indeed expire at 1:30 PM on October 22, 2007.
Former U.S. Senator John Edwards, who represents Hell, faxed a copy of Haiti’s contract with Satan to Robertson in care of the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Pat Robertson was given the fax when he arrived for that day’s taping of When You Give us Money You get a Bigger Room in HEAVEN, which airs weekday mornings at 5:30 AM.
“I have shown the contract to our lawyers and they do indeed acknowledge that Haiti’s contract with Satan expired in 2007. I want to apologize to Haitians around the world for my mistake. I will now begin a marathon of praying to make up for the last few days that I didn’t pray.” Robertson then grabbed a Bible and looked for a comfortable place near TV cameras where he could pray for several hours.
The day after a devastating earthquake rocked Haiti killing tens of thousands, Robertson told a studio audience that Haiti’s shoulder rubbing with the devil may have brought on the deadly quake.
“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” Robertson said. “They were under the heel of the French … and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’”
“True story,” he continued. “And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”
Hell’s representative, John Edwards, claims that Haiti was behind on their financial obligations for several years before their contract with Satan expired.
“Our firm tried relentlessly to strong-arm cash from that country for a year and a half! When the contract expired we didn’t even attempt to renew. Plus, I had that whole extra marital thing going down…while at the same time running for president with my better half suffering from cancer.” Edwards paused and brushed back his bangs.
“The last thing I was concerned with was getting Haiti to renew a contract that they couldn’t afford to begin with.”
Elizabeth Edwards screeched his name from their indoor Olympic sized swimming pool. John Edwards whimpered and ran wide-eyed to cater to her demands.
Pat Robertson has experience with expired contracts. In 1976 he began predicting that the world would end in October or November of 1982. In September of 1982, his lawyers called to inform him that his contract with God had expired. Even though he renewed after paying his fees and penalties, the world did not end that year.
In 2006, Robertson predicted “really big storms” would “lash” the coasts of America. He said that the northwest coast might even get a tsunami. Once again, his lawyers called and said that his contract with God had expired. After he renewed his contract he offered to pay an extra $1000. The money was accepted but did not accomplish the deliverance of the expected storms.
In September of 2007, Robertson was notified that another contract with God had expired. Needless to say, the mass killings from terrorist attacks did not decimate the United States as predicted.
After several lapsed contracts with God diminished his standing as a predictor of disasters, Robertson now opts for ten year contracts.
“I wasn’t aware before, but there’s a 15% savings on fees when you sign in ten year blocks,” Robertson whispered. He took a sip of bottled water and then resumed praying.