WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking revelation during her appearance Sunday night on 60 Minutes, former White House correspondent Helen Thomas told Tyra Banks that she once “made out” with Adolf Hitler. Recently hired by 60 Minutes to handle foreign and domestic political coverage, Tyra Banks sat speechless after Thomas’ comment as the cameras continued to roll. Tyra cut to a commercial break and dashed off to talk with her producer.
“Tyra asked if kissing Hitler was bad and I told her to go with her instincts. To trust her God-given journalistic skills and carry on,” said veteran CBS producer, Dan Brown.
After consuming a super sized order of McDonald’s french fries, Tyra returned to the set where Helen Thomas had fallen asleep. What follows is a transcript of the remainder of the interview.
TYRA BANKS: I’m back Miss Thomas! (Tyra leans over and shakes Helen Thomas awake)
HELEN THOMAS: What! Where am I?
TYRA BANKS: Let’s resume where we left off. You claim to have made out with Adolf Hitler in your youth.
HELEN THOMAS: I don’t claim anything! I made out with Adolf Hitler in 1939 when I was 19 years old.
TYRA BANKS: You said you were in Germany on a field trip with your university?
HELEN THOMAS: Yes, and Hitler was about to be named Time magazine’s Man of the Year.
TYRA BANKS: You allowed a much older man to take advantage of you?
HELEN THOMAS: What nineteen year old journalism student wouldn’t have allowed Time magazine’s Man of the Year to take advantage of her? But that was a long time ago and things were a lot different. Back then we just made out. Today, girls jump into bed before they even know the guy’s name. But when I saw Hitler slip what looked like a roofie into my root-beer, I decided it was probably time to leave. And that was the end of that.
TYRA BANKS: You did not just tell me that Adolf Hitler tried to slip you a roofie. Oh no you didn’t!
HELEN THOMAS: Yes I did! You were sitting right there when I said it.
TYRA BANKS: What I mean is, I’m shocked that it happened.
HELEN THOMAS: I was shocked too. But years later, after we were told how many people he supposedly killed, people weren’t really surprised that he attempted to drug an innocent, naive young woman.
TYRA BANKS: I can’t believe they had roofies back then.
HELEN THOMAS: Well how else do you think they committed date rape?
TYRA BANKS: I’ll bet you had a big scrumptious booty back then, am I right? Talk to me Helen!
HELEN THOMAS: A what?
TYRA BANKS: (clears throat) You were under a lot of scrutiny a couple of years ago, you know, because of your negative comments about Israeli Jews.
HELEN THOMAS: What scrutiny?
TYRA BANKS: Well, some thought that you crossed a line with your statements.
TYRA BANKS: (clears throat) So what was Hitler really like?
HELEN THOMAS: Oh, it was such a long time ago… I remember that he was short and that he had very unpleasant breath.
TYRA BANKS: So what was that like? I mean, kissing somebody with bad breath. Did he give you any tongue?
HELEN THOMAS: He tried but I was only nineteen and I hadn’t french kissed anyone yet. Like I said before, times were different then. Young women weren’t so eager to give it away.
TYRA BANKS: And with his bad breath, you probably weren’t ready to start giving it away, were you?
HELEN THOMAS: I just wanted to hold hands.
TYRA BANKS: What did you do when you saw Hitler put a roofie in your drink?
HELEN THOMAS: I got very nervous and said I had to go to the ladies room.
TYRA BANKS: When you think back, what’s your most vivid memory of Adolf Hitler?
HELEN THOMAS: Well, he was a little too animated when he talked. And that mustache! It looked like he’d tried to shave in the dark with a rusty knife. It was utterly ridiculous and unattractive. I wasn’t the only young lady to feel that way.
TYRA BANKS: But it sounds like you were the only one making out with him!
HELEN THOMAS: Aren’t we supposed to be talking about Jews?
TYRA BANKS: I’m sorry Helen, but my producers tell me that we’re out of time.
HELEN THOMAS: Out of time? But what about the Jews?
TYRA BANKS: I’m sure the Jews will be takin’ care of their own damn selves.
HELEN THOMAS: What?
TYRA BANKS: Thank-you Helen Thomas for being with me on my very first 60 Minutes interview. And thank you America, for allowing me into your homes.
HELEN THOMAS: I thought we were going to talk about the mother fu*king Jews!