Hillary Clinton Vows to Land Illegal Immigrant on the Moon

LOS ANGELES – Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton received a rousing reception from pro-immigration groups this afternoon at a rally sponsored by the National Council of La Raza and Univision. Clinton spelled out the details of her plan to make the United States a safe haven for illegal immigrants if she is elected president. The former secretary of state’s speech was greeted with enthusiastic applause from an estimated audience of 900 that included FOX News’ Geraldo Rivera and rapper Pitbull.

“Our country is one of immigrants. All of us, either on our own or through our ancestors, were at one time strangers in America,” Mrs. Clinton said at the closing of her speech. “Like our brown brothers and sisters crossing the border today, our ancestors were looking for a safe haven to raise their family, work hard and garner as many government subsidies they could get their hands on. And make no mistake, everyone who arrives in America today genuinely yearns to be a part of the great American dream. Not just to clean hotel rooms, mow lawns or pick fruit, but to have the American experience that is promised to all of us by the constitution. That’s why I promise you today, if I’m elected president of this great country I will land an illegal immigrant on the moon before the end of my first term.”

The crowd erupted into wild applause and began chanting:

Hillary!

Hillary!

Hillary!

Clinton continued:

“After they see that historic moon landing will any of our illegal brothers and sisters have any doubt they are as much a part of the fabric of this country as Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin or Tom Hanks?”

The crowd cheered enthusiastically.

“We’re all accustomed to illegal immigrants working at our car washes and raking our leaves, but imagine the day when we gather in front of the television set with our families and watch our gardener or housekeeper walk on the moon!”

As the Los Lobos hit song La Bamba blared over loudspeakers, Mrs. Clinton waved to the adoring crowd before exiting the stage.

Following the rally, Mrs. Clinton appeared on MSNBC where she spoke with Chris Matthews.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Welcome, Madam President.

HILLARY CLINTON: (laughing loudly) Hold on, Chris, I haven’t been elected yet.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: (slapping himself on forehead) Oh, gosh, did I just say that?

HILLARY CLINTON: (laughing loudly) You sure did, Chris. Let’s give the American people the opportunity to elect me first.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Gee, I don’t know what to call you. Madam Secretary? Madam Senator, Madam First Lady? So many important titles.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Well, of all the important and revered titles I’ve held, none of them hold a candle to my new title … grandma.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Aw! And isn’t that really what it’s all about, Grandma?

HILLARY CLINTON:  It sure is, Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Let me ask you, Grandma, what do you …

HILLARY CLINTON:  Why don’t we just stay with Madam Secretary for now, Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Of course, Madam Secretary. So, uh, what an inspiring speech today in Los Angeles. All those smiling brown faces.

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, I just love our brown people. And I don’t differentiate between the legal and illegal ones, Chris. I’ve always believed that anybody who sets foot on American soil is an American.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  It’s so refreshing to hear a voice of compassion counteract the cacophony of republican racist chants.

HILLARY CLINTON:  It’s like I told my audience today, Chris, it’s a changing world out there. You can be Donald Trump and say vile and racist things about your fellow citizens or you can embrace them with unfettered access to 24-hour abortions, college tuition, subsidized housing and free healthcare. But even when you add it all up, Chris, it still isn’t enough. That’s why I’m promising I will land an illegal immigrant on the moon if I’m elected president.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  What a wonderful idea, Madam Secretary. And illegal immigrants belong on the moon, don’t they.

HILLARY CLINTON: (clearing throat) Well, in the sense that other Americans have been there.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  But what about their families? Will you allow the immigrants you send to the moon to take along their families? What about the children who need their mother or father? The aging parents living back home in poverty?

HILLARY CLINTON:  Well, of course I would never break up a family.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  So you’re going to need to build a really big rocket.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Look, Chris, the whole idea of putting an illegal immigrant on the moon is to show that they are just as accomplished as the rest of us.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  But then there’s the transgender issue.

HILLARY CLINTON:  What issue is that?

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Should we land an illegal immigrant on the moon before a transgender has been there? Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a brilliant idea, but Caitlyn Jenner’s public transitioning has put the transgender community in the front of the special interest line.

HILLARY CLINTON:  I’m sure the transgender community will support putting illegals on the moon.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Remember back in the 50’s and 60’s when the Soviets and Americans were competing with each other in space? Why not recreate something like that today, Madam Secretary? You can start a space race between illegal immigrants and the transgender community! How exciting would that be?

HILLARY CLINTON:  I want to focus on bringing people together, Chris, not pit them against each other.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  What if you could get Caitlyn Jenner to land on the moon with the illegals? Imagine how that would unite the country.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Well, Caitlyn Jenner has been through a lot. It might be too soon to put her on a rocket to the moon.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Madam Secretary, if you pledged to land Caitlyn Jenner on the moon with some illegal immigrants you’d get 90% of the votes! It would, without a doubt, be the biggest landslide in history.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Well, I’ll think about it, Chris.

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Madam President, our Twitter and Facebook accounts are jammed. People love the idea! Thanks for talking with us today.

HILLARY CLINTON: My pleasure, Chris.

** (Reports of Hillary Clinton meeting privately with Caitlyn Jenner this evening have not been substantiated.)

 

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