WASHINGTON – Hillary Clinton’s top aide Huma Abedin confirmed this morning that former President Bill Clinton will auction off the cigar that he used on Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office in 1996. The auction will be held this Saturday at the Malibu home of Barbra Streisand who is hosting a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. The event is expected to draw a cavalcade of A-list celebrities such as Al Roker and Mickey Rourke. Also scheduled to attend is a large group of young male Syrian refugees the Obama administration resettled in Beverly Hills last week.
Miss Abedin told reporters the former president has kept the cigar in a humidor since 1997. When asked why the cigar is being sold now Miss Abedin responded tentatively.
“Um … President Clinton is doing everything he can to help Secretary Clinton raise the funds needed to defeat Donald Trump and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Mr. Clinton’s cigar is of historical significance and, uh … the fact that he is willing to part with it to ensure Secretary Clinton becomes our next president is a gesture that reveals the deep love he’s had for Mrs. Clinton since they met in college.”
“But millions of people are going to be reminded of the president’s affair with a young intern and his subsequent impeachment,” the reporter said. “Is that something Mrs. Clinton wants on the front page of America’s newspapers?”
“What Secretary Clinton wants on the front page of newspapers,” Miss Abedin scowled, “is a reminder that if Donald Trump is elected president something as simple as a Twitter feud could ignite a nuclear war.”
During her appearance this afternoon on MSNBC, Chris Matthews asked Hillary Clinton about the cigar auction.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Madam Secretary, there is a buzz, if you will, a ripple that has escalated into a swelling, and it’s circulating like a whirlpool in the higher echelons of big media … your campaign is going to auction the cigar that President Clinton used to penetrate a smitten 22-year-old intern behind closed doors in the Oval Office. It was an immoral and vulgar affair that ultimately led to his impeachment and, I’m sure, a gut wrenching humiliation for you. Do you have a comment on that?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Ha! Just a cigar for crying out loud! Is that what you just said, Madam Secretary?
HILLARY: (Laughing loudly) I’m just telling it like it is, Chris.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Oh, Madam Secretary, your calm and cool demeanor about such a sensitive subject is awe inspiring. You really do have the steady temperament the American people want in their president.
HILLARY: Well, I think my temperament is much more presidential than Donald Trump’s is, Chris. I mean, the man is so thin skinned, isn’t he?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Oh gosh! You’re asking me, Madam Secretary? Ha! I could go on all night about Donald Trump’s lack of composure. And I’m talking about his reactions to such small, insignificant things like being called a racist and a Nazi, or when the media uncovered that he’d called for your assassination. What happens when that phone rings at 3 a.m.? What’s he gonna do, tweet that he can’t sleep at night because the damn phone keeps ringing?
HILLARY: (laughing loudly) Oh, Chris … if I didn’t laugh I’d have to cry. The American people deserve better.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have to tell you, Madam Secretary, if you can be so poised and collected about your husband auctioning the cigar he used to shatter the innocence of a trusting young White House staffer … well gosh, you are one tough cookie. The American people want a tough cookie answering that 3 a.m. phone call.
HILLARY: Well, I can assure the American people that when I do get that phone call I will answer it on the first ring, and you can take that to the bank. And if for some reason Huma or I are unable to pick up, Bill will answer on the extension in his bedroom.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: So you don’t feel that the auction of the cigar that your husband used to defile a naive young woman … in the sanctity of the Oval Office, of all places … is something that might cause problems for your campaign?
HILLARY: That was such a long time ago, Chris. And like I said, it’s just a cigar.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: It’s kind of like the four Americans that were murdered in Benghazi, isn’t it? At this point, what difference does it make?
HILLARY: Well, uh ….
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Madam Secretary, I have to ask … how much do you think that cigar is going to fetch? $500,000? A million? Ten million?
HILLARY: (Laughing loudly) Oh gosh, Chris, who knows. I can’t imagine why somebody would want that nasty thing, but hey, to each his own.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Ha! To each his own? Is that what you said Madam President?
HILLARY: We have so much work to do in this great country and I’m not going to be sidetracked by trivialities. There are families who deserve free childcare, college students who understandably demand their loans be erased and thirty million undocumented immigrants who have been waiting patiently for the green cards that will give even more entitlements than they are accustomed to.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Do you think the bidding might go as high as $10 million?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Ha! Take you to Applebee’s? Is that what you said Madam President?
HILLARY: (laughing loudly) With that kind of money I better get Applebee’s and a movie!
CHRIS MATTHEWS: You’re remarkable! No wonder your husband loves you enough to auction his cigar for your campaign.
HILLARY: I’m a lucky girl, Chris.