Eric Holder Vows to Shave Mustache if Ferguson Cop Isn’t Indicted

Thedailyrash.comFERGUSON, MISSOURI – Attorney General Eric Holder made a surprise appearance Friday at a parking lot protest rally in downtown Ferguson. Arriving by limo, Holder jumped up on the flatbed truck that served as a makeshift stage and waved to the hundred or so protesters before embracing Al Sharpton. When the attorney general lifted up his hands and yelled out, “Hands up! Don’t shoot!” the protesters erupted into loud applause. Although Holder only spoke a few minutes, he energized the demonstrators with his message of commiseration and personal victimization.

“I may be the attorney general of the United States, but I am also a black man living in a nation of cowards,” Holder barked to the crowd. “I know how it feels to be followed around department stores. I know what it’s like to be chased down dark alley ways. I’ve been racially profiled so often I’ve lost count how many times my rights have been violated. It’s only by God’s grace that I’ve lived this long without being gunned down in the streets by a white cop. It’s time to put a white man in jail. And I pledge to you, if there’s no indictment, I am going to shave off my mustache. It’s time for the killings to stop. If the justice we demand is not served, I’m shaving off my mustache.”

The protesters erupted with applause and began to chant:

No indictment, no mustache!
No indictment, no mustache!

Al Sharpton and Holder pumped their fists in the air and joined the chant.

No indictment, no mustache!
No indictment, no mustache!

Thedailyrash.comAttorney General Holder hugged Al Sharpton and waved to the chanting protesters before he was whisked away in his limousine by secret service agents. A few hours later, after posing for photographs at a soul food restaurant, Eric Holder was interviewed by Al Sharpton on his MSNBC news show, PoliticsNation, broadcast live from Ferguson, Missouri.

AL SHARPTON: I welcome to my own show on MSNBC, the General of Attorneys, Eric Holden.

ERIC HOLDER:  Thank you, Mr. Sharpton.

AL SHARPTON:  You may call me Reverend.

ERIC HOLDER:  Of course.

AL SHARPTON:  General Eric, you’ve come down to Mississippi, the breadbasket of racial inaccuracies, where African Americans of color are still confrontated with the Jim Crow days of eras gone by.

ERIC HOLDER:  Well, I came to Missouri to ensure justice is served in yet another case of police brutality and racial profiling. Ferguson is just one of many American towns where African Americans face despicable and abhorrent abuse from cowardly white people.

AL SHARPTON:  Not only do white people abort on the faces of African Americans, but here in Furvisson the cops are all white except for three of them who aren’t.

ERIC HOLDER:  And they are gunning down our young black men without concern of repercussion.

AL SHARPTON:  Even the NFL is concerned about repeat concussions.

ERIC HOLDER:  We have the opportunity to make a difference for the people of Ferguson and for the American people.

Thedailyrash.comAL SHARPTON: General Eric, you have drawn your red line in the sand pile and say you will shave off your mustache if the white police officer is not indicted.

ERIC HOLDER:  That is true.

AL SHARPTON:  How long have you had your mustache?

ERIC HOLDER:  For decades. I can’t remember a time I didn’t have it.

AL SHARPTON:  I have a mustache too.

HOLDER:  Yes, I see.

AL SHARPTON: Won’t Oprah be upset if you shave off your mustache?

HOLDER:  Pardon?

AL SHARPTON:  You guys have been together a long time. I mean, she’s a billionaire. I don’t know if I’d risk pissing off my billionaire woman, if you know what I’m sayin’.

HOLDER:  Oprah and I aren’t …

AL SHARPTON:  General Eric, you’ve shared about your own abuses with the hands of white police officers. How do you think your life would have been different without the racial anuses you indentured throughout your lifespan?

ERIC HOLDER: Uh, (clears throat) if I understand your question, yes, I have many personal experiences with racist white police officers. And there’s no telling how successful I could have been if it weren’t for the rampant racism in America.

AL SHARPTON:  To be honest with the truth, you and me are lucky to even be alive. And who can tell how far up the ladder we would be if we weren’t held back.

ERIC HOLDER:  When you’re a black man living in America you’re too busy looking over your shoulder to have time to consider what could have been.

Thedailyrash.comAL SHARPTON:  I want to condemn you for your shelfless pledge to shave off your mustache. I saw with my eyes today how that marinated with the people.

ERIC HOLDER:  It’s important for them to know that we can relate. That we’re like they are. That we struggle with the same inequality they do.

AL SHARPTON:  Well, General, it looks like we’re out of time. I guess I’ll be seeing you at the White House next week with President Obama?

ERIC HOLDER: (smiling) Oh yeah. The Hawaiian luau party. I hear Beyonce and Rhianna are going to be there.

AL SHARPTON: (snickering) Yeah, and so is Oprah. So you better keep it in your pants, General.

(Holder and Sharpton share an enthusiastic high five before the show cuts to commercial)

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