BEVERLY HILLS – This past New Year’s Eve Playboy Enterprises CEO, eighty-six year-old Hugh Hefner, married twenty six year-old Crystal Harris at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles. When the announcement was made Playboy fans around the world celebrated along with residents of the San Diego neighborhood where Miss Harris grew up. Even in his eighties Mr. Hefner shows no sign of slowing down and his young bride shows no signs of backing down from her commitment to have sexual relations with a wealthy and famous octogenarian.
“Crystal has had an insatiable desire for older men ever since she was a child,” her former second grade teacher remembered. “At the age of seven she had the gumption to flirt with a boy in tenth grade. I was startled at first, but then I realized that the girl knew what she wanted, and that was the free lunch the boy bought her.”
According to family and friends, when she was eleven Crystal Harris was dating a thirty-two year old Lithuanian immigrant who worked part-time at the neighborhood bowling alley. Her parents told her that it was OK as long as she was home by nine o’clock on school nights. By the time Crystal was seventeen she was dating a forty-eight year old toll booth attendant from New Jersey. In college, Crystal began modeling and within just a few years she’d posed naked for Playboy, appearing on several Playboy Reality TV shows.
“And now I’m going to marry Hugh Hefner and I just signed a recording contract!” Crystal shouted during an appearance on the Maury Povich Show.
When Hefner proposed to Crystal two years ago he tweeted “This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory,” and told friends that Crystal broke down in tears when she received his ring. With an age gap of sixty years between them, many wondered if Crystal was taking advantage of the money and fame guaranteed by marrying the media mogul. But friends say that Crystal told them that the best part of her relationship with Hef was the sex.
“Fact is, according to Crystal, the fun began when Hef took out his dentures,” Crystal’s great aunt told reporters.
“I’d never been gummed before,” Crystal revealed on The Maury Povich Show. “I admit I was a bit uneasy the first time Hef took out his teeth, pulled himself out of a chair and began shuffling toward me. But when he started gnawing on me….” Crystal began to giggle. “Let’s just say I don’t think I could ever date a guy with permanent teeth again. I just couldn’t.”
Friends of Crystal’s say they believe Crystal is really and truly in love with the aging Hefner.
“I have no doubts that she loves the guy,” confided childhood friend, Brittany Calhoun. “All she ever talked about was wanting to marry Hef so she could see him naked anytime she wanted.”
“Crystal was never happier,” cried college friend, Dougie Thompson. “One night I saw her knitting Hef a sweater. She told me that she liked it when Hef wears a top, but is naked from the waist down. She says his butt is spectacular.”
After the wedding announcement family and friends surprised Crystal with a party at Johnny Rocket’s on Melrose Ave. The restaurant vibrated with excitement as those closest to Crystal congratulated her on her impending nuptials. Uncles and Aunts, cousins and siblings toasted the bride to be and wished her happiness in whatever time might remain in Hugh Hefner’s life. The event swelled with emotion when Crystal’s sixty-six year-old grandfather proposed a toast.
“Hef called me a few days ago and asked for permission to marry my granddaughter. He assured me that I would always be welcome at the mansion and that low interest loans for our immediate family members would readily be available, within reason. He also thinks there’s a good chance I could meet Snooki at a party sometime!”
Joyous laughter filled the room.
“But seriously, I wish my granddaughter the best with Hef in the time he might have left. When I mentioned to him that he was old enough to be my father,” Crystal’s grandpa paused to hold back tears. “When I mentioned he was old enough to be my father, Hef asked me to call him dad.”
As his hand trembled with emotion, Crystal’s grandpa raised his glass and gave a toast:
“To my beautiful granddaughter … and to Dad!”
Music began to play and everyone danced in a celebratory way.