WASHINGTON – After weeks of Internet rumors of her impending retirement if Democrats lose the House majority, Nancy Pelosi stunned a crowd of admirers last night when she announced that she is switching to the Republican party. A source high-up in the Pelosi staff told The Daily Rash that Nancy Pelosi is a “street fighter” when it comes to retaining her title of Speaker of the House.
“Congresswoman Pelsosi is willing to go to any lengths to ensure that she does not lose her position as Speaker. If that means becoming a Republican, then she’s willing to become a Republican. And I for one am proud to serve a woman who lacks the scruples that would prohibit such an undertaking. She’s willing to sacrifice anything and anyone to hang on to her position of power. She shattered the glass ceiling when she became the first female Democrat to hold the position of Speaker, and now she’s positioning herself to shatter another ceiling when she becomes the first Republican woman to hold that power!”
When asked for his view on the Pelosi switch, Barney Frank became thoughtful.
“I’ve known Nancy for longer than I care to admit. I’ve always been pwoud of the woll she’s pwayed in upholding our democwacy. I think her decision to switch to the wepublican pawty is nothing short of bwilliant!”
An anonymous source at MSNBC says Mrs. Pelosi knows exactly what she’s doing.
“The Speaker is aware that many people will question her motives for a time. She’s strong enough to endure the slings, arrows and other sharp metaphors that will be directed her way and she will stand her ground until the backlash subsides. That’s when voters will become aware that Speaker Peslosi’s name-tag may read Republican, but her votes and sensibilities will be even more Democrat than ever. She will thwart every Republican initiative that comes down the pike. She will continue to be in the pocket of our commander and chief and she’ll continue to fly home every weekend on a really big and expensive military plane.”
Chris Matthews of MSNBC’s Hardball explained what he called “the genius” behind Pelosi’s switch to the Republican party.
“Oh God, when I heard what she was doing I had fire running up and down both legs and into my loins. I screamed out ‘Genius!’ so loud that my wife thought I’d burst an artery. What’s so amazing is the Republicans haven’t a clue to the mischievous plot she has concocted. A plot so devious that historians may very well look back on this time in our history and name it after Nancy Pelosi or something of that nature.”
Matthews wiped the spit off his chin and brushed back his boyish blond bangs.
“Remember the episode of Seinfeld when George quit his job? And afterward, when he realized his prospects didn’t look so good, he decided to go back to work and act like nothing had happened? Remember? I believe that is what the Speaker is about to do. And I can assure you, when it happens I’m going to have so much heat penetrating my loin that my wife will think she’s twenty years old again!”
Al Sharpton explained how the Republicans will set everything in motion.
“What do you think is going to happen when the nation watches Republican Congressman Boehner wrestle with Nancy Pelosi over the Speaker’s chair? The people of this great country will witness a rich white man refusing to give an old woman his seat. Talk about the party of No! And I predict that on that day, Nancy Pelosi will become the Rosa Parks of the twentieth century!”
A Sharpton disciple whispered into the Reverend’s ear.
“The Rosa Parks of the twenty-first century!” Sharpton added.
Upon hearing the news of Pelosi’s party switch, Harry Reid called for an emergency meeting with his staff. Rumors of a conference call to Sarah Palin have not been substantiated.