BEVERLY HILLS, CA – In what may be the most surreal story out of Hollywood of late, Jane Fonda was arrested today and booked on charges of theft, impersonating a blind woman and threatening a four year old girl. Miss Fonda was arrested and booked at the Beverly Hills lockup and arraigned two hours later. Judge Barrett Wilson Shysterinski set bail at two million dollars. Bail was posted and Miss Fonda left the courthouse surrounded by her lawyers.
Sgt. Bartholomew (Bucky) Whethson was the initial law enforcement officer on the scene and he reported to the Daily Rash what the investigation has so far uncovered.
“At approximately 11:16 this morning, Fonda was seen for the first time walking in proximity of the Queen for a Day Daycare Center. Several witnesses have come forward and as far as we can piece it together at this point, Fonda roamed the block for approximately an hour and five minutes. At that point Fonda entered a Starbucks coffee company. She then proceeded to the counter where she asked Starbucks team member Brittany Edwards for the key to the ladies room. She then entered said room and locked the door behind her. While inside, we believe Fonda tore her white sweater down the front, leaving only the material around her neck intact. Fonda then donned a large pair of dark sunglasses and exited said room. Fonda then returned to the counter and returned the ladies room key to Brittany Peterson since Brittany Edwards was busy steaming soy milk for a White Chocolate Mocha Apple Cider Pumpkin Spice Java Chip Frappuccino Light with two extra espresso shots.”
Sgt Whethson checked his notebook and continued.
“Fonda then exited Starbucks and returned to the daycare center. According to witnesses, she unfolded a white cane with a red tip that she pulled from her purse. She then walked into the school yard with her right hand out in front of her and her left using the cane. She slowly entered the yard pretending to be a blind woman. She approached the little girl and told her that she was blind and that she was wearing a neck brace because she’d recently fallen down some stairs. Fonda then began asking the little girl about the small dog she was playing with. After several minutes Fonda then asked the girl if she could have her dog. She said that having the dog would give her her sight back and help her neck to heal. When the girl said no, Fonda became angry and demanded the girl give her the dog. The girl started to cry and Fonda leaned over and whispered something in her ear. Though I am not at liberty to divulge what that comment was, I will say that vulgar profanity was used. The little girl became terrified and passed out. Fonda then picked up the dog and nonchalantly exited the playground area of the school, leaving the little girl lying in the sand box.”
Sgt. Whethson was then radioed to return to headquarters. the Daily Rash approached a large crowd that had gathered outside the courthouse.
“I saw the whole thing! I saw it!” Screamed Brittany Sanders, a teacher’s assistant at the Queen for a Day Daycare Center.
“I was walking onto the playground when Jane Fonda was walking off. We almost bumped into each other. I couldn’t believe it! I stopped as she walked by, trying to get the nerve to ask for her autograph. Finally I ran out and caught up with her. I took her picture with my cellphone. When I asked for the autograph she said she was a blind woman and that I mistook her for someone else. She was struggling to hold the dog. What did I know? Maybe it wasn’t Jane Fonda. Then someone screamed from the playground. I saw people gathering around a little girl and when I looked back up, the blind woman was running away and she was running fast!”
Several citizens began chasing Fonda through the streets of Beverly Hills. They eventually trapped Fonda inside a Blockbuster Video store when police arrived. She was then arrested and placed into a squad car. Fonda’s lawyers issued a statement:
“Jane Fonda is innocent of all charges against her. She will fight them with the same will and the determination that she fought against the Vietnam war, nuclear reactors, the war in Afghanistan, global warming, corporate greed, genital mutilation, gender stereotypes, patriarchy, Israeli occupation, bigotry, discrimination, dogma, the Iraq war, religious indoctrination, flag waving….and a whole lot more!”