Jay Cutler’s Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show

mean grandma Jay Cutlers Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports ShowCHICAGO – After a bruising loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Conference Championship, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters he was very disappointed that his teammates were not able to get him to the Super Bowl. Cutler left the game early in the third quarter due to a mysterious knee injury that happened at an unknown point earlier in the game. Chicago’s team doctors said that they haven’t been able to identify where the injury is located, but they are hoping that Cutler feels better soon. Dr. Townsend Peters spoke to reporters after the game.

“Jay Cutler seems to be feeling better since the game concluded. I just saw him talking on his cell phone and he appeared to be getting over the loss. At this point we have not actually identified his injury, but we’re hoping to find it before it heals so that we can prohibit it from causing any long term problems for him. When we do identify his injury we will document it, make extensive notes and probably massage it.”

After an impotent first half, Cutler returned for a few minutes in the third quarter before he realized that he’d been hurt at some point earlier in the game. Not one to second guess a gut instinct, Cutler removed himself from the game, hoping that his teammates might be fortunate enough to pull out a victory without his envied athleticism. A team assistant said after the game that Cutler didn’t think the team had much hope with him sitting on the sidelines, but that he’d seen movies where there were sometimes miracles in important sporting events.

“Oh yeah, Jay said he’d seen movies where a team surprised everyone and came back to win a game when the odds were against it,” said Carl Dupont, a guy who squirts Gatorade into the players mouths, “but after he thought about it, he said that movies and real life are not the same thing. Then he sighed, grabbed a donut and a hot cup of cocoa and sat down to watch the rest of the game.”d7d7c5bd460492e797ba586068c8 300x200 Jay Cutlers Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show

After thirty-nine year old second string quarterback Todd Collins stood befuddled on the field for several plays, he remembered he was late for a dentist appointment and ran off the field. Third string quarterback Caleb Hanie took over and quickly brought life back into the hapless Bears. With very little playing time under his belt, third year Hanie showed confidence, enthusiasm and the capacity for leadership that Todd Collins used to dream about and Jay Cutler hasn’t the time for.

“Jay Cutler told me one time that if his team wanted a leader they should join a cult or something. Then he began picking his nose,” an ex-teammate confided.

Down in Jay Cutler’s hometown of Santa Claus, Indiana, Cutler’s grandmother was knocking back pints of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Red Nosed Tavern with fellow football fans and weekend revelers. Local affiliate WWHY had sportscaster Duke Shamster on the scene to get reactions to the big NFL game. He pulled Maw-maw Cutler aside after the game ended.

DUKE SHAMSTER: I’m standing here with Jay Cutler’s grandmother, Maw-maw Cutler. Maw-maw, even though your grandson’s team lost today, I’m sure you’re very proud of his efforts

MAW-MAW CUTLER: What efforts?

DUKE SHAMSTER: Well, his efforts at trying to ….

jay cutler reebok nfl sideline 2nd seaosn knit cap 239x300 Jay Cutlers Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports ShowMAW-MAW CUTLER: Trying? Hell! He didn’t try to do anything! I take that back, he tried to quit….and he succeeded!

Maw-maw Cutler raised her beer in the air and the tavern patrons whooped and hollered.

DUKE SHAMSTER: But Jay hurt his knee and he….

MAW-MAW CUTLER: Oh, knee shmee! That boy got scared and he quit! Just sat on the sidelines the rest of the game like a pussy!

The tavern patrons howled and raised their beers. Maw-maw Cutler began gulping her Pabst Blue Ribbon to the crowd’s chants: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! After she drained the beer mug, Maw-maw tossed it over her shoulder to the delight of the laughing crowd.

DUKE SHAMSTER: Now Maw-maw, I know you love your grandson!

Maw-maw Cutler held up a coffee mug with a floral pattern and a nice saying written on the side.

MAW-MAW CUTLER: See this? This is what the pantywaist got me for Christmas! He makes millions of dollars acting like a football player and he gets me a fu*%ing coffee cup from Wal-Mart?

Maw-maw held the coffee mug in front of the TV camera and gestured with her middle finger, much to the amusement of the tavern’s cheering patrons.

DUKE SHAMSTER: OK, emotions are obviously running high after today’s football game. I think it’s time to send this back to Dorothy and Bert in the studio –

The Daily Rash was unable to reach Jay Cutler for comments.

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