LONDON – Because of his scandalous displays of civil disobedience during this city’s destructive riots, Reverend Jesse Jackson was arrested and charged with looting yesterday by London police. He was taken to central booking and charged with theft, destruction of public property, aggravated assault and impersonating a clergyman. Prime Minister Cameron issued a statement condemning Reverend Jackson’s actions and former Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters he’d suspected Jackson of stealing before.
“When Reverend Jackson visits, one is apt to keep an eye on the silverware,” Blair told reporters. “We allowed him to attend several social functions when I was in office and his presence always coincided with the puzzling disappearance of light bulbs and lavatory soap. At the last reception he attended we assigned a security detail to keep an eye on him but he outsmarted them by slipping out a lavatory window with a shower curtain and several hand towels.”
Lawyers for Reverend Jackson argue that he is being persecuted by a conservative legal system that frowns upon dissent and muffles the cries of the disenfranchised. Although multiple security cameras recorded Reverend Jackson breaking store windows, looting merchandise and assaulting an elderly woman, his lawyers claim that he was sound asleep in his hotel room the night of the alleged crimes. When a reporter pointed out that the new sneakers Reverend Jackson was wearing at the time of his arrest were the same brand a security video shows him looting from a boutique, the lawyers said that Jackson had purchased his sneakers from a blind street vendor in Calcutta where he’d recently traveled to donate a swing-set to a grade school for lepers.
The courtroom was packed with spectators when Jesse Jackson appeared before the magistrate looking disheveled and irritated. When asked to respond to the charges against him Jackson sneered and spat on the floor which sparked rambunctious cheers and whistles from the gallery. The judge angrily pounded his gavel to silence the disorderly crowd. When he sternly cautioned the accused against spitting in the court room, Reverend Jackson grabbed his crotch and sneered, “I got your warning right here, Sir!”
Freelance reporter Dayle “Scoop” Curtis was covering the hearing for the Huffington Post.
“When Jesse grabbed his crotch and told the Judge what he could do with his reprimand, the courtroom erupted into mayhem. It was an amazing display of defiance. The crowd began chanting Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! as guards dragged Reverend Jackson away. It was just like a 60′s protest or something.”
Reports that Jesse Jackson bit off the ear of one of the guards has not been substantiated, but his lawyer has confirmed that Jackson has taken a lover in jail.
“Reverend Jackson has needs. He makes no excuses and offers no apologies.”
Reverend Al Sharpton penned an op-ed piece in the NY Times following news of Jackson’s arrest in London:
“I stand by Reverend Jackson and I walk by him and adhere to him. I want it known without any equivocation and self doubt that if Reverend Jackson is not treated fairly that I will march. I demand Reverend Jackson get a swift trial and restitution. I offer my services to gently care for his mistresses and make sure his illegitimate children get their monthly paychecks. Jesse Jackson’s arrest and detainment is a travesty of the heinous and it will not go unheeded. I will march for a full congressional hearing and I demand that Reverend Jackson be exercised and immediately released on his own reconnaissance.”
Security camera videos appear to show Reverend Jackson at the head of a group of masked teenagers as they shatter store windows and steal merchandise. One video plainly shows Reverend Jackson wrestling what looks like a lava lamp out of the hands of an elderly woman. For several minutes the woman puts up an impressive fight before Jackson breaks her grip on the lamp by thrashing her over the head with a large toaster. Several of the teenagers arrested said that Jackson was determined to find stores that carried Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers. An anonymous source inside Jackson’s Rainbow PUSH Coalition told The Daily Rash that Jesse Jackson desperately wanted a pair of $700 Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers, but was not willing to pay the retail price.
“Last month Reverend Jackson attempted to extort the Giuseppe Zanotti company but his threats of a boycott fell on deaf ears. He was really disappointed. But when he heard about the riots in London he saw an opportunity to get some free sneakers while fighting for the underprivileged at the same time. He said it was divine intervention because God wanted him to have those sneakers.”
Many of the teenagers who conspired with Jackson feel the experience was valuable.
“Smashing store windows and looting with Jesse Jackson is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life,” one of the teenagers remarked. “Now I know how Rosa Parks must have felt!”