DENVER – The Denver Broncos announced today that they’ve signed Jesus Christ to a one year, $100 million contract to play an unspecified position on their football team. After Sunday’s win over the Chicago Bears, Broncos owner Pat Bowlen met with Mr. Christ over cocktails at a downtown Denver AppleBee’s where he persuaded the former carpenter to play for the Broncos. Up till now Jesus had an unofficial role on the team helping to motivate the players. Bowlen said that because Jesus’ presence proved to be such an invaluable influence he was determined to add the Lord and Savior to the roster in an effort to clinch an AFC playoff berth.
Week after week NFL fans have watched as Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow repeatedly brings his team back from the brink of defeat, always giving credit for the win to his friend Jesus. Because of the positive influence he was having on their quarterback, the Bronco’s front office issued Jesus a security pass and informed the coaching staff, “whatever Jesus wants, Jesus gets.”
The Broncos have won seven of its last eight games with many of those wins coming in miraculous fourth quarter rallies. Ironically, because of his busy schedule, Jesus doesn’t arrive to most of the games until the fourth quarter. Head coach John Fox said there’s no doubt that the presence of Jesus has been a blessing.
“When Jesus joins us on the field our performance picks up significantly. Sometimes it’s like we are a completely different team. Earlier in the season when Tebow said everything he accomplished was due to Jesus, I thought it was silly. But after our victory over Chicago Sunday I’m a believer! Halleluiah!”
“You never know when the dude is going to appear. I’ve asked around and nobody’s actually seen him arrive… never seen him get out of a car or come from the locker room. You just kind of turn around and poof! …he’s standing beside you on the sidelines. It used to really freak me out. I’d turn around and there’s Jesus!, when just a second before he wasn’t there. But I’m getting used to it. Now when he up and appears on me I tell him, there you go trippin’ again, Jesus.”
Receiver Eric Decker agreed with McGahee.
“I’ll start looking for J.C. towards the end of the third quarter. Most of the time he appears out of nowhere near the Gatorade table. One time when I was sitting on the bench I leaned down to tie my shoe and Jesus was kicking back under the bench, leaning on his arm watching the game. I gasped and yelled Jesus!…you scared the hell out of me! Dude just kind of chuckled and asked if that was a bad thing. I thought about it for a second and when I looked down again he was gone. Homeboy keeps you on your toes.”
In Sunday’s game Chicago Bears running back Marion Barber made a fatal mistake when he ran out of bounds and stopped the game clock with just enough time for the Broncos to accomplish another miracle win. Marion Barber blames Jesus for his mistake.
I was running around the left end and I look up and Jesus is on the sidelines smiling and waving to me. He’s sayin Bring me the ball, Marion! C’mon, bring the football to Jesus! So I went to give him the ball. When the Lord and Savior says he wants the football, what am I going to do, say no?”
The Daily Rash spoke with Jesus on the phone last night.
DAILY RASH: Is this Jesus?
DAILY RASH: This is the Daily Rash.
JESUS: Oh, yeah… the Charlie Sheen hairpiece stories.
DAILY RASH: You know our Charlie Sheen stories?
DAILY RASH: Do you think they’re funny?
JESUS: What did you want to talk about?
DAILY RASH: It seems a bit unorthodox, you know, the son of God playing in the NFL?
JESUS: It’s not unorthodox, it’s radical, man!
DAILY RASH: But why? Why is Jesus in the NFL?
JESUS: Can you think of a better way to get people’s attention?
DAILY RASH: You could part the sea again.
JESUS: That was Moses. Anyway, who’s going to believe it these days? Anybody with Photoshop can pull that off.
DAILY RASH: So feed some multitudes with a fish.
JESUS: With all these vegans around half the fish would rot.
DAILY RASH: Do it in a third world country, they’ll eat anything.
JESUS: I do lots of things in third world countries. People are too busy watching Hoarders to notice.
DAILY RASH: Raise the dead?
JESUS: Mickey Rourke? Hello?
DAILY RASH: OK, so walk on some water!
JESUS: Apparently, Obama already did that.
JESUS: Are you aware of how many people are talking about me these days? And the number of people thinking that Tim Tebow may be onto something is growing by the hour.
DAILY RASH: But it’s still confusing.
JESUS: Look, I could heal the sick, turn water into wine or befriend a prostitute and nobody would take a second look. It’s estimated that up to a billion people around the world tune into the Super Bowl. This year they’re getting a Super Bowl, Madonna and Jesus? Don King would give his left nut for a marquee like that! This is going to be bigger than the Sermon on the Mount and I’m pretty stoked, to be honest with you.
DAILY RASH: It sounds like you’re having a lot of fun.
JESUS: Hey, it sure beats standing up to my neck in walkers and wheelchairs in the scorching desert heat.
DAILY RASH: Isn’t that from a Lenny Bruce bit?
JESUS: Yeah, and I’ve been waiting fifty freakin’ years to use it!