NEW YORK, NY – Former President Jimmy Carter was arraigned this morning in New York City Superior Court. He was charged with public intoxication, lewd and lascivious conduct, possession of cocaine, marijuana and authorities found enough XTC tabs to warrant distribution charges. He was also charged with resisting arrest.
In a predawn maneuver FBI agents and NYPD officers surrounded a warehouse in the meat packing district on the west side of Manhattan. At sunrise orders were given to storm the warehouse. Battering rams and tear gas surprised the inhabitants of the late night party. Screams and yelling were heard as people panicked and began running amok. NYPD kept people from fleeing as SWAT team members zeroed in on the VIP suite upstairs. Sgt. Eugene Reynolds spoke to reporters after the raid.
“When we burst into the VIP room the people inside weren’t aware a raid was taking place. The room was filled with smoke with people circled around a table that sat under a light bulb dangling from the ceiling. When we broke through the spectators at the table and saw President Jimmy Carter arm wrestling with Lindsey Lohan I couldn’t believe it,” Sgt. Reynolds recalled, shaking his head and nervously laughing.
“The table was covered in piles of what turned out to be cocaine and it appeared as if President Carter was about to pin Lohan. But when the president realized he was surrounded by cops he freaked out. He threw the table over and screamed ‘It’s a raid!’ and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. We busted down the door as he was flushing bags of drugs down the toilet. When we grabbed him he started kicking and punching, he even tried to bite one of the officers before we were forced to taser him. He was surprisingly agile for an older guy. I think they had to taser him like eight times.”
Lawyers for President Carter are mum on what he was doing at a rave party, let alone the accusations of drug dealing, prostitution and gambling. Jarreed Johnson, who shared a cell with the president for almost an hour on Rikers Island, spoke with reporters this morning.
“I look up and they’re throwing this old white guy in the cell with me. I did one of those double-takes things when I saw it was my man Jimmy Carter. I mean, I did one of those silent movie, over-the-top double takes, if you hear what I’m sayin’.
“Jimmy slaps my hand and asks if I’m being treated OK, which be so like him, ya know? Even with his eyes all swollen from those cops macing him, he was more worried about how I was being treated than what he was going through.
“I noticed that one of his legs kept kind of kicking out, you know? Like he couldn’t control it,” Jarreed continued. “He said it was left over juice from the tasers. But there was no complainin’ from the Prez. Anyway, we talked some but he didn’t give me any details about what was going on. Said the man was gettin’ out of hand and that heads were gonna roll. But he did give me the number of a guy who could get me a few bucks when I got out of lock-up.”
President Carter was released on a million dollar bail and driven to his Manhattan apartment by lawyers. He will be staying with his wife Rosalynn until his hearing in July. Rosalynn Carter is still under house arrest for her conviction last year of receiving stolen property and writing bad checks. Their daughter Amy released a statement through their lawyers.
“My Father is innocent of everything he is being accused of. Dad completed a nine month rehabilitation stay in Arizona last year and has shown nothing but exemplary behavior since. Mom is only a few weeks away from having her electronic ankle bracelet removed. We have no intentions of allowing this minor misunderstanding to hinder our family’s recovery.”