Joe Biden Knocks Toddler Unconscious During White House Easter Egg Hunt

WASHINGTON – The fun and frolic of the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt was cut short Monday morning after a four year-old girl was knocked unconscious by Vice President Biden. The little girl has been identified as Brittany Rosa Parks Vanderbilt, the daughter of top Obama campaign donors, Brice and Zoe Vanderbilt. White House medical personnel confirmed the little girl was knocked out cold after being slammed into a tree by the vice president, but said she regained consciousness and gradually became alert a few moments later. She is expected to make a full recovery.

According to witnesses, Biden’s participation in the toddler Easter egg hunt began in a normal and friendly manner that quickly escalated into a physically aggressive competition as the vice president fervently filled his Easter basket with colored eggs.

“It was supposed to be a fun game for the kids to gather up the most Easter eggs,” one witness said. “But in a short time the vice president’s Easter basket was so full that he gave it to his wife to hold before grabbing an empty basket and heading out for more eggs. He was being so pushy that he made some little boys cry when he snatched up all the Easter eggs around them. When the vice president saw little Brittany moving towards one of the last eggs laying on the ground he ran over and body slammed her into a tree before grabbing the egg for himself.”

A woman who attended the festivities with her daughter expressed her disappointment.

“After Vice President Biden body blocked that little girl he danced around holding the egg above his head like some kind of trophy, apparently unaware she was lying unconscious on the ground behind him. When a bunch of us ran over to the poor little girl Biden had already run off in search of more Easter eggs.”

Jay Carney was asked about the incident by reporters this afternoon at today’s White House press briefing.

“Vice President Biden’s competitive nature got the best of him at this morning’s Easter egg hunt,” Carney said. “One of the reasons President Obama chose him for his running mate in 2008 was his ruthless, win-at-any-cost temperament. The American people witnessed a magnificent display of it when he shamelessly sacrificed his integrity in the vice presidential debate with Paul Ryan. That being said, the vice president’s aggression may have been a tad over the top yesterday considering he was competing in an Easter egg hunt with pre-school age children.”

Carney explained that before the Easter egg hunt Biden had spent the morning at a D.C. area nursing home endeavoring to persuade seniors to purchase shotguns.

“Vice President Biden gets pretty hopped up when he’s talking to folks about shotguns, so when he arrived at the Easter egg hunt his adrenaline was already pumping. He’s since apologized to little Brittany and her parents, even giving the little girl one of his Easter baskets filled with eggs. He also gifted her parents with a double barrel shotgun and promised to pay for Brittany to take harmonica lessons once she fully recovers from her unfortunate accident.”

 

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