NEW YORK – This afternoon former vice president and democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared on MSNBC with host Al Sharpton for an in-depth discussion on his run for office and the Coronavirus emergency. Following is a transcript of their conversation which will air Sunday on MSNBC.
AL SHARPTON: Welcome back to my show, Dr. Vice.
JOE BIDEN: It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Steve.
SHARPTON: You may call me reverend.
BIDEN: Of course, Roger.
SHARPTON: Dr. Vice, it was only a few weeks ago that everyone was saying the writing was on the wall and your campaign was nearing its end. Yet today you are the pole physician, as they like to say at horse races.
BIDEN: There’s only so much you can believe when you read the writing on the wall, Stan, even if it’s from a physician. So, I never read the wall. But I did enjoy it when they used to play it on the radio.
SHARPTON: Almost everyone has dropped out of the race for the erection except Colonel Sanders who plans to keep campaigning. What is your tragedy moving forward?
BIDEN: The same it’s always been, just put one foot in front of the other and try like hell to avoid stumbling.
SHARPTON: What are some of the things that make you stumble?
BIDEN: Well, the other day I was walking out of my garage and I tripped over a pot roast in the driveway. Damn near ruptured my spleen.
SHARPTON: What was a pot roast doing in your driveway?
BIDEN: When I meet the person who can tell me that I’ll make them my secretary of defense.
SHARPTON: Dr. Vice, the Homo Kimono virus is spreading in America and some are saying President Trump is going to let millions of people die. What say you?
BIDEN: If Trump wants people to die there’s nothing we can do about that. He’s the commander in chief. That’s why we need to take back the White House in twenty two … two thousand and … on the day when people vote.
SHARPTON: What if he only lets democrats die? Who will vote for you?
BIDEN: If people don’t want to vote for me they can vote for Dan Quayle, man. I’m not going to kiss anybody’s ass.
SHARPTON: Dr. Vice, if you were president right now how would you tackle the virus?
BIDEN: Instead of wasting time telling everybody to brush their teeth and comb their hair I would order a nuclear attack. Hell, we’ve got enough atomic bombs to destroy a hundred viruses.
SHARPTON: You would nuke the virus?
BIDEN: Damn right. I’m from Scranton, Larry. That’s coal country, man. We don’t pussy foot around where I come from. In Scranton you look a man in the eyes before you have sex with his wife.
SHARPTON: But if you drop a nuclear bomb wouldn’t some people get hurt?
BIDEN: Well sure, if you don’t give them some advance warning. But it wouldn’t be a damned sneak attack, Andy.
SHARPTON: So, how would you do it?
BIDEN: It’s simple, man. You tell everybody on Monday you’re gonna nuke the virus on Thursday and then they’ll have three days to clear out a space in the basement.
SHARPTON: What if they don’t have a basement.
BIDEN: They can lay down in the bathtub and put a towel over their face. When we bombed Hiroshima back in the 70’s I covered my head with my windbreaker and I was fine. There were a few singed hairs, but I had one hell of a nice tan.
SHARPTON: Many people have suggested that you’re not the same man you were a few years ago.
BIDEN: I keep hearing that but my wife assures me I’m the guy she married. If you don’t believe me, ask her. I even looked at my driver’s license the other day and it says it’s me.
SHARPTON: But some say you forget things and have problems communicating your message.
BIDEN: Maybe you should ask Corn Pop about that.
SHARPTON: Is that the gang member with the razor blade that you beat with a chain?
BIDEN: No, that was Esther Williams. Corn Pop was the janitor at my grade school. He liked to watch us play dodge ball. Once when I scraped my knee he took me behind the incinerator in the basement and rubbed my legs with baby oil.
SHARPTON: Colonel Sanders is not dropping out of the race. Do you think he has a chance to catch up with you?
BIDEN: Maybe. I mean, I’m something like 80 years old, man. It probably wouldn’t be hard to beat me in a race.
SHARPTON: Do you think you’re too old to be president?
BIDEN: Of course not. For twelve years I was Michelle Obama’s secretary. I learned real quick what was expected of me.
SHARPTON: So you think you are up to the job?
BIDEN: I’ll tell you what I’m up to … I’m up to my eyebrows in voters with bad attitudes, man. The other day some ass wipe accused me of trying to steal his car.
SHARPTON: I didn’t hear about that. I did see the video of the guy asking you about taking his guns away.
BIDEN: I might take their guns away but I’m not gonna steal their damn car, Chuck. I’m from Scranton, man. We watch TV with the record player on. If you accuse a fella from coal country of stealin’ a car you’re gonna get kicked in the nuts behind the outhouse.
SHARPTON: Many of Colonel Sanders followers say you shouldn’t win the erection because you supported the war in Iraq.
BIDEN: Look, we all do things that we regret. Hell, I remember when you were on TV in your white Bronco being chased on the freeway by all those police cars. But now look at you. You’ve got your own TV show and you host the Miss America pageant. It’s who we are now that makes who we were in the past the men we are today.
SHARPTON: Looks like we’re out of time, Dr. Vice. I’ll give you the last word.
BIDEN: (Looks into the wrong television camera) I want everyone to remember the immortal words of George Jefferson … We hold to be self evident the truth that all men are not as well endowed as other men. That the creator certifies illegal aliens the right to our liberty and our women. Remember to be vigilant and prophylactic to protect our tyranny from the vacuum of truth. It’s not a question of now or when, but where. It’s not what can you do for my country but what can your country do for me. Folks, I’m asking for your vote this October. And if you don’t wanna vote for me then I’ll meet you behind the barn at noon and you better bring penicillin. To learn more text me at Joe Brady 6969 or go to MyPillow.com. Join me and let’s work together to take America back before it’s great again.
©2020 The Daily Rash
