DEARBORN, MI – After recently being under fire for adopting a drawl and telling a group of black supporters that Republicans are â€śgonna put yaâ€™ll back in chains,â€ť Vice President Biden spoke at the ‘Eye for an Eye’ mosque in Dearborn this afternoon dressed in a burqa. The vice president’s visit to commemorate the mosque’s twenty-fifth anniversary fit conveniently between his fundraiser that morning at the Forever Twilight nursing home and another that evening at Michigan’s Macomb County Prison.
The American Muslims that gathered at the mosque were baffled when Biden stepped up to the podium shrouded in a burqa. The vice president did not allude to his attire but began by thanking the congregation for their hospitality and admiring the mosque’s architecture.
“What a beautiful building you people have built to worship your God,” Biden said. “It’s so peaceful. In my church the priest feeds us some flesh, we wash it down with blood and we pray we don’t have to burn in the flames of Hell for eternity,” he snickered.
The vice president looked at the quiet audience and tapped his microphone. “Testing one, two … is this thing working?” he chuckled, unable to rouse a response from the congregation.
“But in all seriousness,” he continued, “God is good, isn’t he?” He grimaced as he adjusted his burqa and then added, “or as some of your freedom fighters yell out before a slaughter, Allah Akbar!”
At that point a man yelled out “Allahu Akbar!” with several parishioners excitedly repeating the phrase.
“I don’t wanna forget to give a shout out to the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt,” Biden said. “Some folks are uneasy about that situation but, hey, whadd’ya gonna do, huh?”
As Biden fumbled with his burqa an Imam approached him and the two huddled together before the vice president returned to the microphone.
“I, uh, I was just informed that burqas are only worn by Muslim women. Well, to be frank with you, I was not aware of that. I feel a little silly now.”
The vice president impatiently adjusted the headset of his burqa.
“You know, it’s not real easy seeing my notes through this hood,” he sighed. “Now I understand why you don’t bother teaching your women to read!”
The vice president’s laughter was met with stony silence.
“At any rate, I….” he sighed heavily and wadded up his notes, throwing them over his shoulder.
“You know, what do I need notes for, huh? I don’t need notes when I’m talking to my fellow Americans.
“I’m here tonight, not as a Catholic American, but as a Muslim American. I wanted to understand you, to see what it’s like to peer at the rest of us through your hoods. And I want you to know that the Obama administration cares about you people in Michigan. Heck, we bailed out Detroit’s auto industry for you. Now, Mitt Romney didn’t think we should help the car companies. Nope, he wanted to let Detroit go bankrupt. That’s right, Romney and Paul Ryan wanna put yaâ€™ll back on camels. Thatâ€™s their plan. Try fightinâ€™ one of your holy wars perched on top of a camel. See how far that’ll get ya.”
At the conclusion of his speech Vice President Biden warned of the dangers of a Romney administration.
“When Mitt Romney ran Bain Capital, he used to buy out big beautiful buildings like your mosque here and a few years later they were gone. Destroyed. Think about that. What’s going to happen if Mitt Romney gets into the White House?”
Biden’s head moved back and forth under his burqa.
“Well, let me tell ya. After the real estate moguls get done buying up all these beautiful buildings there’s a real good chance you folks could end up kissing your doormats in vacant lots.”
As Vice President Biden left the mosque he was surrounded by reporters. He assured them he was confident President Obama would approve of the content of his speech and said he was looking forward to speaking to a large Jewish audience next week at a Florida synagogue.