Joe Biden Talks About the Pain of Birth in Confusing Labor Day Speech

PITTSBURGH — Joe Biden may not have announced his decision to run for president in his Labor Day speech to union workers on Monday, but the raucous applause and enthusiasm he received is more commonly reserved for presidential candidates, not second term vice presidents. As Biden stood on the stage soaking in the adoration the crowd began chanting “Run Joe run!” prompting the vice president to grin ear to ear.

“Thank you, thank you,” Biden responded with a broad smile, only to hear the chanting grow louder. “Ah, you’re too kind,” the vice president gushed, shrugging his shoulders and waving to the audience. When the celebration eventually died down, Biden thanked the crowd again for the welcome.

“You know, I don’t think there’s anywhere else I’d wanna be on Labor Day than in my home state with my people, my family.”

The crowd erupted into applause and the chants began again.

Run, Joe, run!

Run, Joe, run!

When a man in the crowd yelled out, “are you gonna run for president, Joe?” Biden laughed and put his hands up in the air.

“I haven’t decided on that yet. But when I do, you’ll be the first to know.”

Run, Joe, run!

Run, Joe, run!

Run, Joe, run!

After the crowd quieted down Biden smiled and leaned into the microphone.

“I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Now, I know many of you are eager to learn if I plan to run for president, but today, today let’s embrace and celebrate Labor Day by acknowledging the painful sacrifices of our women folk.”

Biden paused and looked at the audience.

“I’ll be honest with ya, I don’t remember being born so I don’t remember how much pain I caused my mother before I finally wrestled my way out of her womb. But after watching the birth of my own children I’m pretty darned certain my mom’s labor pains were horrific. Heck, just the other day I met a brand new mother who told me she’d been in labor for thirty-six hours before her baby was finally born. Think about that. Thirty-six hours of pain and suffering to give her baby life. There’s only one word for that folks … selfless courage.”

The perplexed crowd applauded halfheartedly.

“I remember my wife being in labor for what seemed to me like an eternity before our children were born. The fact is, millions of women experience long painful labor before giving birth. So today, let’s put aside politics and remember the tortuous labor the gals stoically endure so that they may bring forth precious life.”

Murmuring could be heard wafting through the crowd.

“Last week President Obama said if men had to go through childbirth that the human race would evaporate. Guys couldn’t take it. Are there any fellas out there who disagree with that statement?”

Biden looked out over the silent crowd and smiled.

“Of course not. Heck, we know we couldn’t handle labor pains. We might be able to lift heavy objects, get tackled by a big linebacker or endure torture when we’re captured behind enemy lines, but thirty-six hours of labor? I don’t think so! Huh, uh … not me!”

Biden laughed as his audience stirred uneasily.

“But all joking aside folks, on Labor Day we honor the gals who willingly suffer the painful torment of birth to ensure that the human race doesn’t evaporate. If billions of people on the planet isn’t proof of the courage of these gals, well, then I don’t know what is.”

As sporadic applause rippled through the crowd the vice president’s chief of staff rushed onto the stage and conferred with his boss for several moments before rushing off again. For a brief moment Vice President Biden appeared bewildered as he looked down at the notes he was shuffling. But then he looked up, smiled at the crowd and leaned into the microphone.

“Had ya fooled, didn’t I?” Biden snickered. “Hey, it’s Labor Day! Let’s all give a big shout out to the United Steel Workers Union!”

Joe BidenThe crowd began cheering.

“Let’s hear it for big labor, folks!” Biden yelled. “That’s right, give it up for our union workers on this beautiful Labor Day!”

The audience erupted into a frenzy of applause and began chanting again.

Run, Joe, run!

Run, Joe, run!

Run, Joe, run!

Biden smiled as he pointed at the crowd.

“Give it up for the workers! This is your day! This is your day! And damn it, you earned it!”

Music began playing as the vice president bounded off the stage into the enthusiastic crowd where he spent an hour shaking hands and holding babies.

 

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