WASHINGTON – This morning the White House acknowledged that President Obama invited John Kerry to Thanksgiving dinner last week in order to stage an intervention. Earlier in the week Obama met with several members of his administration to discuss Secretary Kerry’s Botox usage. After a lengthy discussion, the decision to stage an intervention was unanimous. Jay Carney credited the vice president for using Thanksgiving dinner as a decoy.
“Vice President Biden said a White House invitation would be the perfect excuse for Secretary Kerry to avoid spending the holiday with members of his wife’s family. Secretary Kerry accepted the invitation enthusiastically, even offering to stay late and help clean up.”
During his 2004 presidential campaign, John Kerry regularly scheduled photo-ops of himself windsurfing the rocky seas or dominating treacherous ski slopes to demonstrate his youthful vigor. As the years passed, collegiate-style hairpieces helped the senator maintain the facade of turning back time, but the inevitable aging process began to betray the youthful bounty of his track-star coif. It was in 2009 that Kerry resorted to using Botox in an effort to forestall the insidious ramifications of aging.
Sources inside Kerry’s inner circle say he was so excited after his first Botox injection that he immediately demanded more. “His instantaneous excitement for Botox was startling,” a former staff member quipped. “He was like Michael Moore discovering head cheese.”
A former housekeeper claims John Kerry began hiding bottles of Botox in the nooks and crannies of his five multimillion-dollar estates.
“Senator John would wander around his houses in the middle of the night injecting Botox into his face. He kept bottles hidden so Senator Lady would not find out. One night he became enraged when he couldn’t remember where he’d hidden his stash. He threw dishes and food against the walls until Mrs. Senator came down and threatened to withhold his weekly allowance.”
President Obama’s intervention was held behind closed doors in the Oval Office. Vice President Biden was in attendance along with Reverend Al Sharpton, Oprah and her friend Gayle, Barbra Streisand, MSNBC lesbian Rachel Maddow and Bruce Springsteen. According to White House sources, when John Kerry became aware an intervention was taking place he began running down the hallway, attempting to escape through a small bathroom window before secret service pulled him back.
After the agents returned Mr. Kerry it was only minutes before he escaped again. Members of the intervention team scoured the White House for 20 minutes before Oprah and Gayle discovered him huddled in the corner of a closet in the Lincoln bedroom, a Botox filled needle protruding from his face. Rachel Maddow managed to drag the kicking and screaming secretary of state back to the intervention while Oprah and Gayle flushed his Botox down the toilet.
Trapped behind the locked doors of the Oval Office, sources say Secretary Kerry paced back and forth like a caged animal, dripping with sweat and breathing heavily. When President Obama suggested he seek professional help for his addiction Kerry went berserk, knocking things off shelves, kicking furniture and screaming racial epithets. When Kerry began slashing at the Abraham Lincoln portrait with a letter opener, Bruce Springsteen got him in a bear hug long enough for President Obama to issue a harsh slap to the face of the beleaguered secretary of state.
The humiliating presidential assault managed to calm Kerry down enough for Springsteen to relinquish his bear hug. Over the next hour the intervention team was able to convince Secretary Kerry to admit he was powerless over Botox and that his life had become unmanageable. When he finally agreed to be admitted to a rehab facility, President Obama gave him a hug and said the American people would be proud of their secretary of state. Then a knock on the door signaled the rehab limo had arrived.
A secret service agent described what happened next:
“Suddenly, as everyone walked towards the door, Al Sharpton let out a blood curdling scream. He pointed at John Kerry who was struggling frantically to remove the top off a bottle of Botox he’d hidden in his coat. The intervention team converged on him and a brutal struggle ensued before Kerry was wrestled to the ground. Rachel Maddow managed to wrap her legs around him in a scissor-like fashion, restraining him as the others struggled to pry the Botox bottle out of his clenched fist. It all ended quickly when Barbara Streisand hit Kerry over the head with a bust of President Ronald Reagan, rendering the secretary of state unconscious.”
After a week in a Bethesda rehab facility, Kerry’s doctors say they are optimistic. Except for one minor incident, (Kerry covered his face with super glue he’d pilfered from the administrative offices) doctors are confident that, one day at a time, John Kerry can conquer his addiction.