AL SHARPTON: I want to welcome a guest to my own show on MSNBC, Secretary of the States, John Kerry.
JOHN KERRY: Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here, Mr. Sharpton.
AL SHARPTON: You may call me Reverend.
JOHN KERRY: Of course.
AL SHARPTON: You are the secretary of the states and before that you were a senator in the congressional from Masterchusetts.
JOHN KERRY: That is correct.
AL SHARPTON: And before that you were a decorator soldier in Vietnam, but you threw your medals on the ground.
JOHN KERRY: That was a time of much political dissension and emotions were high.
AL SHARPTON: I’ve been through my own political dissections but I don’t get high. That brings me to my next question. My producer tells me you’re addicted to Botox.
JOHN KERRY: No, that isn’t true.
AL SHARPTON: Your face looks pretty tight. Can you blink your eyes?
JOHN KERRY: Of course I can. (Looks into the camera and blinks eyes)
AL SHARPTON: (snickering) Those were some pretty slow blinks, Mr. State.
JOHN KERRY: It’s probably fatigue. I’ve been traveling a lot.
AL SHARPTON: I hope it’s not contagionous.
JOHN KERRY: (looks confused)
AL SHARPTON: Mr. States, you have been busy meeting with representations from Iran, Russia, Afghanistan and Ucranial. Have there been any decisions made?
KERRY: In relation to what issue?
AL SHARPTON: Yes.
AL SHARPTON: I haven’t seen that movie yet. Maybe I’ll take my new, younger girlfriend this weekend. Now, would you say that President Obama is feared by our enemies?
JOHN KERRY: I think from the start of his presidency Obama set a precedent of treating leaders around the world as equals. Friends rather than adversaries. Working to change the image of America from a dominating super power to one of a cheerful neighbor with open arms and a big, warm smile.
AL SHARPTON: Sort of like Mister Rogers with anatomical weapons?
JOHN KERRY: Well, unfortunately we live in a nuclear age. But with the right kind of leadership people may some day live in a world free from nuclear weapons.
AL SHARPTON: The republican party keeps saying the rest of the world doesn’t respect President Obama. What say you?
JOHN KERRY: I would suggest those people travel around the world with me. In my experience, President Obama is still the international rock star he was when first elected.
AL SHARPTON: Some would say Elvis was an interracial rock star when he got too fat and died on the commode. He was a pill popper, too.
JOHN KERRY: I assure you, President Obama is respected by our allies and a force to be reckoned with by our foes. He doesn’t take pills and I think everyone would agree he still looks pretty good in a swimsuit.
AL SHARPTON: But Tea Baggers say President Obama is weak. That he’s not a strong and divisive leader.
JOHN KERRY: Uh, President Obama is a strong and decisive leader, but he’s laid back. Don’t let his laissez-faire attitude fool you.
AL SHARPTON: I didn’t say he was lazy, that was the Tea Baggers.
JOHN KERRY: President Obama is setting a milder, if you will, tone for America. Like myself, the president feels it’s time for the United States to get off its high horse of exceptionalism and accept that we’re not any better than any other country. Fact is, we’ve done a lot of really bad things.
AL SHARPTON: You recently said you get uptight when people talk about how exsteptional America is.
JOHN KERRY: Why lie to ourselves? The United States is no better than any other country.
AL SHARPTON: Republicans think we are.
JOHN KERRY: C’mon, if America were exceptional I’d never have been chosen for secretary of state. Hell, I wouldn’t have even been considered. And for the love of Christ, if America’s so exceptional, what are you doing with your own television show?
AL SHARPTON: (chuckles) I got a daily radio show too!
JOHN KERRY: No offense, but an exceptional nation would have put you in prison years ago.
AL SHARPTON: No defense taken. I’ve made a good living fighting against exsteptionalism.
JOHN KERRY: Look, there may have been a time when America was rife with extraordinary people who took incredible risks and ended up transforming the world. But those days are far behind us now. In the past mediocrity was tolerated, today it’s a demand.
AL SHARPTON: What about President Obama? Lots of people think he may be the worst president we’ve ever had, but they’re afraid to say it because he’s an African American man of color.
AL SHARPTON: So in an exsteptional America I’d be out of a job.
JOHN KERRY: Like I said, you’d be in prison.
AL SHARPTON: And where would you be?
JOHN KERRY: Well, I married a widow whose husband left her hundreds of millions of dollars. I guess I’d spend my time skimming benjamins from her purse before she threw me out.