Katie Couric to Undergo On-Air Pap Smear

NEW YORK – Katie Couric announced today that she will have a Pap smear “live” on what may be her last ABC news special this December. She has asked the FCC for permission to show explicit graphics of the medical procedure so that people can see and experience exactly what is involved and what women must endure.

Couric made headlines in March of 2000 when she had an on-air colonoscopy. Her husband had died eight years earlier from colon cancer and Couric said that by having a colonoscopy on live television she hoped she would save lives. Then in October of 2005, Couric had an on-air mammogram, once again hoping she might save human lives.

Miss Couric is hoping her on-air Pap smear will give her prime time news special some extra publicity to attract the often fickle audiences of prime time news shows. ABC is betting the graphic footage will garner them a chance at a first place finish in the ratings for the evening and Couric also hopes her Pap smear will help save human lives.

“We feel that many people will be very interested in watching Katie undergo a Pap smear on live television, so we’re not going to pussy foot around.” remarked ABC producer Ron Kleptomanning. “Believe you me, when folks get a glimpse of the viewer warning commercials we’re going to start showing next month, there won’t be any doubt that something worth seeing is coming to ABC prime time specials.”

Publicist Sally Randolf says Couric is prepared to allow camera crews full access to the medical procedure.

“We’ve discussed this at length and Katie is determined to make this moment something that will go down in history as an act of a courageous woman willing to sacrifice any integrity she might have left to help others. ” Randolf crossed her legs. “I was quite surprised that Katie was so forceful about giving the cameras unlimited access to the procedure. When our producers mentioned that there were ways to insure the show could be informative and educational while at the same time guarding Katie’s privacy, Katie threw her diet coke can against the wall and shouted “I want it in their face!”

Randolf took a drink of water and pulled her skirt tight around her legs.

“Of course, nobody can spread news like Katie.” She choked on her water. “I mean, make news.”

An Oprah Winfrey Network source said that Oprah expressed relief that she timed her retirement to precede the sensation of Couric’s Pap smear.

“Oprah told us she’s glad she’d retired from her daytime TV show before Couric’s idea of an on-air pap smear. She joked about not having to watch the career she worked so hard at … disappear between the legs of Katie Couric.”

Because NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be on vacation that week, NBC announced that Geraldo Rivera will be guest hosting the night of Couric’s Pap smear. After hearing about Couric’s plans, NBC said Geraldo volunteered to be water-boarded “live” one hundred and ten times the day of the Katie Couric Pap smear.

This morning a confidential source from ABC news said Diane Sawyer is attempting to get pregnant. The source said Sawyers wants to get an abortion, on live television, the same night that Couric has her Pap smear. The source claims that even though Sawyers is sixty-seven years old, she is just as fertile as any woman in her forties.

“Diane is well aware of the dangers of having a child in her mid-sixties. The night before Katie Couric’s Pap smear Diane will speak with doctors on ABC World News about the dangers and complications of a pregnancy late in life. She will fret about her choices and then conclude that an abortion is the right course of action. The very next night she will have the abortion in front of a live studio audience just hours before Couric receives her Pap smear.”

Geraldo Rivera has yet to announce if he’ll be water-boarded during Sawyer’s abortion or wait until Katie Couric is having her Pap smear on live TV later that evening.

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