NEW YORK – Katie Couric announced today that she will have a Pap smear “live” on her first ABC daytime talk show scheduled to begin airing in September. She has asked the FCC for permission to show explicit graphics of the medical procedure so that people can see and experience exactly what is involved and what women must endure.
Couric made headlines in March of 2000 when she had an on-air colonoscopy. Her husband had died eight years earlier from colon cancer and Couric said that by having a colonoscopy on live television she hoped she would save lives. Then in October of 2005, Couric had an on-air mammogram, once again hoping she might save human lives.
Miss Couric is hoping her on-air Pap smear will give her new daytime talk show some extra publicity to attract the often fickle audience of daytime television. ABC is betting that graphic footage will garner them a first place finish in the ratings the opening week of Katie’s new show and Couric also hopes her Pap smear will help save human lives.
“We feel that many people will be very interested in watching Katie undergo a Pap smear on live television, so we’re not going to pussy foot around.” remarked CBS producer Ron Kleptomanning. “Believe you me, when folks get a glimpse of the Viewer Warning commercials we’re going to start showing next month, there won’t be any doubt that something worth seeing is coming to ABC daytime TV.”
Publicist Sally Randolf told the Daily Rash that Couric is prepared to allow the camera crew full access to the medical procedure.
“We’ve discussed this at length and Katie is determined to make this moment something that will go down in history as an act of a courageous woman willing to sacrifice any integrity she might have left to help others. ” Randolf crossed her legs. “I was quite surprised that Katie was so forceful about giving the cameras unlimited access to the procedure. When our producers mentioned that there were ways to insure the show could be informative and educational while at the same time guarding Katie’s privacy, Katie threw her diet coke can against the wall and shouted “I want it in their face!”
Randolf took a drink of water and pulled her skirt tight around her legs.
“Of course, nobody can spread news like Katie.” She choked on her water. “I mean, make news.”
An Oprah Winfrey Network source who spoke to the Daily Rash on condition of anonymity said that Oprah timed her retirement to precede the sensation of Couric’s Pap smear.
“Oprah was already contemplating starting her own network when she heard about Couric’s idea of an on-air pap smear. Supposedly Oprah told a staff member that she had no plans to watch the career she worked so hard at … disappear between the legs of Katie Couric.”
Because NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be on vacation that week, NBC announced that Geraldo Rivera will be guest hosting the night of Couric’s Pap smear. After hearing about Couric’s plans, NBC said Geraldo volunteered to be water-boarded “live” one hundred and three times the day of the Katie Couric Pap smear.
This morning a confidential source from ABC news said that Diane Sawyer is attempting to get pregnant. The source said that Sawyers wants to get pregnant soon because she plans to get an abortion, on live television, the same night that Couric has her Pap smear. The source told the Daily Rash that even though Sawyers is sixty-six years old, she is just as fertile as any fifty-five to fifty-eight year old woman.
“Diane is well aware of the dangers of having a child in her mid-sixties. She will speak with doctors, live on television, about the dangers and complications of a pregnancy late in life. She will fret about the decision and then conclude that an abortion is the right course of action. The very next night she will have the abortion in front of a “live” studio audience just hours after Couric receives her Pap smear.”
Geraldo Rivera has yet to announce if he’ll be water-boarded “live” during Couric’s “live” Pap smear or wait until that evening when Diane Sawyer is having her “live” abortion.