LONG ISLAND – The Daily Rash has discovered that former MSNBC news commentator Keith Olbermann was evicted from his mother’s basement in Long Island by Suffolk County Police in 2008. Olbermann, who is fifty-three years old, had lived in the basement for almost thirty years. According to neighbors, Mrs. Olbermann had told her son that it was time that he got his own place and that crying would not cause her to change her mind.
“I was surprised that she was finally able to be so forceful with him,” remarked a neighbor on condition of anonymity. “For years she wanted him to move but when he started crying she would always cave. We are all so proud of her!”
Former host of MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann and presently hosting a show by the same name on Al Gore’s fledgeling network, Current TV, Olbermann’s nightly tirades of contempt towards Republicans have been arousing far left liberals to such a degree that many become babbling idiots.
“I’ve been watching Olbermann for years,” gushed professional revolutionary Claire Dunlap of Asheville, North Carolina. “I may be sixty-seven years old, but that man makes my juices flow!” Ms. Dunlap was surprised when she learned of Olbermann’s sportscaster past. “Sportscasting? You sure about that? I think you’ve got the wrong Keith Olbermann, honey.”
The fact is, few Countdown fans realize that Keith Olbermann was a sportscaster for twenty years on several networks. ‘Sports Collectors Bible’ even mentions him for his obsession with collecting baseball cards.
“Olbermann’s spent more time with naked men in locker rooms than your average sports journalist,” said one of his co-workers from the 80’s. “Keith has a knack for getting athletes to open up to him after they’ve showered.”
High school friend Lionel Burnett told The Daily Rash that Olbermann was a sports fanatic when he was a kid.
“He lived and breathed baseball and football and it drove him nuts that he had no athletic abilities. Plus, he has Celiac disease, so he’s had that chronic diarrhea thing his whole life.” Mr. Burnett winced and then continued. “But he loved sports so much that we all knew he would be successful with his locker room interviews.”
Many of Olbermann’s past friends and colleagues were surprised to find out he was so politically liberal. Norm Crotchett was a camera man for CNN when Olbermann was there in the early 80’s.
“The guy on MSNBC is not the same Keith Olbermann I worked with at CNN. Not even close,” Crotchet laughed. “The Keith Olbermann I worked with wouldn’t have known who the vice president was if you offered him a million dollars. Only thing he cared about was getting into that locker room. And nobody was better than him with after-shower interviews. Nobody!”
According to several neighbors, Mrs. Olbermann had regularly complained that her son refused to pay rent. One source told The Daily Rash that she even took her son to small claims court several times just to get a few dollars for food and to help pay utility bills. But it was Olbermann’s odd obsessions with Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly that became the last straw for his mother.
“Keith was always talking about the famous feud he was having with Bill O’Reilly,” remembered Oscar Peterson, a long time neighbor and friend of Mrs. Olbermann, “but it takes two people to have a feud. Bill O’Reilly has never mentioned Keith on his show. I sometimes wonder if he even knows who Keith Olbermann is!”
Peterson rubbed his hands together and sighed.
“His mom told me that he would spend hours in the basement standing face to face with his poster of Bill O’Reilly, screaming at it until his voice was so hoarse that he couldn’t speak.”
Neighbor Barb Simpson said she accompanied Mrs. Olbermann to the basement one time to get some fabric softener.
“We didn’t know Keith was home until we were half-way down the stairs. When we saw him it frightened us. He was wearing his suit and he was soaked with sweat. There was a poster of Bill O’Reilly on his wall and it was dripping with what looked like spit.”
Mrs. Simpson nervously lit a cigarette.
“I thought there was a naked man lying on his bed but when I got a closer look I saw that it was a blow-up doll that looked exactly like Rush Limbaugh!”
Mrs. Simpson shuddered as she nervously puffed on her cigarette.
“I screamed and when I started backing away Mr. Olbermann grabbed me and said, ‘It’s not what you think Mrs. Simpson!’ He wouldn’t let go of me so I kicked him you know where and ran back upstairs.”
Mrs. Simpson stamped out her cigarette and then scurried away.
Keith Olbermann has declined several interview requests from The Daily Rash.