GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – As Nancy Lilt struggled to wash the matted hair of detainee Momar Khalic Osimian Gargoylamainia Husein, she spoke with The Daily Rash about her gripe with the Obama administration, particularly Attorney General Eric Holder.
“We fly down here to Guantanamo Bay to fix these guys up, and they take their time paying us? I don’t get it. I felt I had to do this since my country asked me, but I’m not a volunteer. I am a professional hair and make-up artist with Broadway credits and I expect to get paid for my services.”
Nancy Lilt is just one of twelve beauty experts that agreed to participate in “Extreme Jihadist Make-Over” debuting this summer on E! television. Guantanamo Bay was alive with blow-dryers, hairspray, lotions and facial peels last week when The Daily Rash arrived to chronicle the new series. Sean Penn will provide the narration and Maury Povich has signed on to host.
Miss Lilt put a luxury cream rinse in Mr. Husein’s hair and told him through an interpreter that it had to sit for fifteen minutes. She walked over to the mess tent to smoke a cigarette.
“I really am not trying to be negative. I know that Jihadists are people too, but I have bills piling up and the government is not making things any easier when they don’t pay us.” Miss Lilt pulled another cigarette from her pack. “Mr. Holder’s office called and asked if I would contribute my hairstyling skills at Guantanamo for a specific salary. I jumped at the chance…I mean, who wouldn’t? But it’s a lot of very hard work and I’m disappointed that I have not been paid according to my contract.”
She puffed on her cigarette.
“I mean, these guys are, like, immersed in hair. We waxed a guy’s back the other day and it took twelve hours. By the time we finished it had already begun growing back.”
“Extreme Jihadist Make-Over” producer, Willie Pottsdurham, talked with the Daily Rash between takes in Guantanamo Bay.
“When the Attorney General of the United States personally called and asked me to produce Extreme Jihadist Make-Over I thought I was going to die. I mean, I was a volunteer for the Obama campaign for Christ’s sakes! I worked the phones and went door to door for a whole year. There is nothing I would not do for that man. So when his Attorney General calls and asks me …”
Willie began hyperventilating and almost passed out before military medics gave him oxygen. He recovered within a few minutes and continued the interview.
“I do hope you will forgive me for losing control like that. I’m just so excited to be a part of this administration’s attempts to change the world.”
Willie calmed himself, brushed back his hair and sipped tea.
“What we are going to do here is make our Jihadists presentable. Most of them have lived in dry desert heat and windy conditions for so long that the damage to their hair and skin makes them look, well, like cavemen. Let’s be honest, what would any of us look like if we went a few years without a shampoo or soothing lotion for our hands and feet?”
Neil Simon, who is considered an icon in the theater and film world, has cut, polished and painted the nails of literally thousands of actors.
“All I know is, I’m having to deal with guys with an attitude who are completely unaware of my reputation. The other day some idiot with thirteen names called me infidel when I was trying to cut his toe nails.”
Mr. Simon fidgeted.
“And then I tried to explain, to a troglodyte who may have killed lots of people, the importance of clean nails and shaping his cuticles. Next thing I know, he’s throwing his own feces at me!”
Mr. Simon gulped the rest of his martini and sighed.
“After all that, I still haven’t been paid. Nobody’s been paid except for Sean Penn and Maury Povich.”
Yesterday Eric Holder announced that he has granted permission for 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to appear on “Extreme Jihadist Make-Over.” A representative for the Department of Justice spoke with the Daily Rash.
“The Attorney General feels that men who want to slaughter innocent women and children have the same right to contemporary styles and fashions that the rest of us have. He believes that every convicted terrorist deserves to look their best before we kill them.”
A representative for the CBO told The Daily Rash that the United States will not have the funds to pay the “Extreme Jihadist Make-Over” make-up artists until 2019.