BEVERLY HILLS – Reality TV star Kim Kardashian is up to her surgically enhanced nostrils in legal proceedings these days. After suing music producers for using photos of her naked boobs on an album cover (the producers claim they didn’t know they belonged to Kardashian) she turned around and sued clothing retailer Old Navy for using a Kim Kardashian look-a-like actress in a TV commercial. And this week lawyers for Kardashian filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles against tennis star Serena Williams. The lawsuit alleges that Williams purposely and knowingly cultivated her buttocks to expand to massive proportions in order to look more like Kim Kardashian.
When reached for comment, Serena Williams’ publicist said Williams could not come to the phone because she was in the back yard assaulting her gardener. Williams, known for her eagerness to “throw down” when she feels slighted, apparently reacted to news of the lawsuit by throwing her grandmother through a living room window. (After Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down the throat of a line judge at the U.S. Open two years ago, the CIA considered hiring Williams to track down and kill Osama bin Laden.)
A spokesperson for Kim Kardashian maintains that Kim is only protecting the assets that enable her to pursue her dream of being the wealthiest meaningless human being on the planet.
“Kim’s overwhelmingly robust hind quarters are an important trademark of her persona. Her body is her craft, her trade, if you will. No one is more aware of her limited capacity for intellectual engagement than Kim Kardashian, so she focuses on her make-up, her tan lines and the stunning grandeur of her glistening buttocks.”
After her family’s reality TV show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim’s entire family sighed with relief that nothing was expected from them other than periodic sex tapes, regular romps in the ocean in a bikini and endless, insipid family banter about mind-numbing household non-events that keep their viewers on the edge of their seats. The gargantuan size of Kim’s derriere just enhances the magical chemistry of the family’s allure.
By exclusively dating athletes and entertainers, Kim is relieved of the concern that she might be expected to participate in a discussion that would require focus or concentration. She learned years ago that after fornicating she wouldn’t be expected to converse about anything outside of where to eat, what to wear or how much to wager at the dog fight. In 2011 Kim married and then divorced NBA star Kris Humphries all within 72 days. Kim admits that although his $2 million dollar, 20 carat ring made her super happy, it was the “awesome” message the romantic athlete had spelled out in rose petals that made her cry – Will U Merry Me?
There isn’t any doubt that Serena Williams’ extravagantly hearty haunches are quite similar to Kim Kardashian’s. But a close friend of Williams told the Daily Rash that Serena did not work to expand her buttocks.
“That girl’s buttocks are as real and as ominous as the chip on her shoulder. Who the hell does Kim Kardashian think she is? Just because her buttocks are massive, nobody else can have a massive buttock?”
Although many plastic surgeons have said they believe Kim Kardashian may have had fat injected into her rear-end to plump it up, enhance its bulbous allure, exaggerate its profound audacity – Kim swears her entire accumulation of meaty grandeur is 100% authentic Kardashian rump.
Two days after Kim filed her lawsuit against Serena Williams her step-dad, Bruce Jenner, filed his own lawsuit against the producers of the movie Hannibal. According to affidavits, Jenner is seeking $25 million dollars alleging that the character of Mason Verger (portrayed by actor Gary Oldman) bears an uncanny resemblance to Jenner. A spokesperson for Metro-Goldwyn studios told The Daily Rash that if Bruce Jenner resembles Mason Verger he should sue his plastic surgeon, not them.