WASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden announced this morning that Florida Pastor Terry Jones and New York Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf have agreed to appear on the television show Wife-Swap. The vice president was all smiles as he explained that he was the one who approached the two controversial men about appearing on the reality television series.
“Like most Americans, I was troubled about the Koran burning and the Ground Zero Mosque controversies. In fact, one night last week I had to take a very strong sedative just to get to sleep. And let me tell you, when you ask the White House for a strong sedative, it’s gonna pack a punch.” Biden winked at a reporter. “Let’s put it this way…I didn’t wake up for two days. Only problem is, nobody knew I was missing.”
Several reporters snickered and the vice president winked again.
“During that drug induced rest I had a vivid dream about the Koran burning Pastor and that Ground Zero mosque guy. In the dream I saw that as vice president of the United States of America I’m kind of in the position of shouldering the responsibility for bringing together opposing points of view. Of healing, if you will, emotional divides among my countrymen.”
“Now, I’ve been an ardent fan of the reality television series Wife-Swap for years. My wife gave me the entire six seasons on DVD for Christmas last year. It was while lying in bed watching one of those DVDs that I had my epiphany. I pushed pause, picked up the phone and called the Pastor and the Imam. Then I called President Obama but he had gone to Hooters with Jay Z and Bill Clinton.”
Pastor Terry Jones told The Daily Rash that Biden’s offer to appear on Wife-Swap caught him by surprise.
“I was writhing in agony during sleepless nights. Should I burn some Korans? Should I not burn some Korans? When I woke up the other morning and my wife Sylvia told me that Vice President Biden was on the phone, I was pretty sure he was going to harangue me on being sensitive to Muslims and stuff like that. But he didn’t even mention burning Korans. He just said, ‘Hey Pastor? Would you consider living with that Imam’s wife for a week or two?'”
“When my wife Daisy told me Vice President Biden was on the phone, I was prepared to be reproached for demanding that my beloved mosque be near Ground Zero. But he didn’t even mention it. He asked me how I was doing, told me a very funny joke about a Catholic, a Jew and a Hindu, and then he asked if I’d ever watched the show Wife-Swap. Although I did not know that show, he was very happy when I told him that Jon & Kate Plus 8 was mine and Daisy’s favorite show. We must have spent thirty minutes talking about our favorite episodes.”
Because the men were under the false impression that the wife swapping would include sex, both the Pastor and the Imam enthusiastically agreed to appear on the show.
“I’m very curious to have sex with a Muslim woman. I’ve never lay with one,” Pastor Jones told The Daily Rash. “And I am anxious to see Daisy in high-heels and cut-off jeans. I have no intention of trying to convert her to Christianity since I really don’t believe in it too much myself. I would enjoy it if she would dress up like a cheerleader and cook me a meatloaf.”
“I was married to an American woman years ago and I turned her into a screaming sex maniac,” Imam Rauf told CBS 60 Minutes. “I am confident Sylvia will become a sex maniac, convert to Islam and begin feeling the shame and self-loathing that will bring her closer to Allah. At that point I would like for her to cook a goat for me.”
Sources say that both men became dejected when told that sex was not part of the television deal. Since they’d already signed contracts, they are now legally obligated to participate.