On Wednesday, after admonishing “white people that want to assassinate President Barack Obama,” Minister Farrakhan, accompanied by several intimidating black men in suits and sunglasses, traveled in a limousine to Walmart where the group dined on Subway sandwiches and discussed Minister Farrakhan’s Fez hat. After dinner Minister Farrakhan spoke to black Walmart employees about their eventual demise at the hands of white Christians. He let several people touch his Fez hat before he and the intimidating men walked across the street to a 7-Eleven where Minister Farrakhan purchased a Slurpee.
A former intimidating black man in a suit and sunglasses spoke to the Daily Rash on condition of anonymity. His conditions also included a promise to never mention his name and an agreement to pay his wife a large sum of money in the event of his accidental violent death.
“Minister Farrakhan really hates white people. I mean like, he really hates them!”
The man then ran out the back door really fast.
Louis Farrakhan has said he was abducted in the 1980’s by a flying vessel that he described as “a huge wheel-like plane.” It was while on board the vessel that Farrakhan heard the voice of deceased Nation of Islam leader, Elijah Muhammad. This week Minister Farrakhan revealed that he was abducted by yet another unidentified flying object (UFO).
“I know some folks who saw him get abducted that first time. They said it was a big UFO and it had a lot of lights. Some say it made a loud noise that sounded like a foghorn.”
The woman nervously lit a cigarette around the fake mustache she was wearing as a disguise.
“But what I’ve heard is… this last time he was abducted the UFO was shaped like a matzo ball.”
Louis Farrakhan grew up playing the violin. In his early twenties he’d begun a career as a musician and made recordings singing Calypso music under the name of “The Charmer.” After he became a member of the Nation of Islam, leader Elijah Muhammad ordered his musician disciples to stop performing music.
A former member who was a musician at the time spoke with the Daily Rash on condition of anonymity. He wore a paper grocery bag over his head and large clown shoes as a disguise.
“Elijah ordered us to stop playing music. Farrakhan did as he was told but I began sneaking weekend gigs under an assumed name. I felt guilty until I found out that our honorable Elijah Muhammad had twenty-one kids by eight different women. He was always talking about the importance of faithfulness in marriage and he’s got an entire harem? I eventually accepted a job with Sammy Davis Jr. and hit the road.”
He adjusted his grocery bag.
“I wasn’t that worried… until Sammy converted to Judaism!”
He laughed convulsively and walked out of the room, the echoes of his large clown shoes bouncing off the walls of the hallway.
“He said the ship was filled with white devils and the crew members resembled Jewish actors.”
“Minister Farrakhan was forced to eat strange ethnic meals and listen to arguments about money.”
“Minister Farrakhan was probed by a man who resembled Don Rickles.”
“A white woman resembling Joan Rivers sat in the chair where Lt. Uhura sat on Star Trek.”
In a recent Ebony magazine interview, Minister Farrakhan briefly recalled his abduction on the Jew Ship.
“The captain of the ship was a man who looked like Judd Hirsch,” Farrakhan said. “There was so much bickering that Captain Hirsch was constantly yelling at the others to stop arguing. Then a man resembling Benjamin Netanyahu took away my Fez hat and forced a yarmulke on my head that was much too big. Later, when they forced me to sing If I Were a Rich Man with Woody Allen, Barbra Streisand took all the money from my wallet.”
After several late night visits from well dressed men wearing sunglasses, the Daily Rash decided to take the weekend off. Monday’s edition of the Daily Rash will be issued from our new facilities in an undisclosed place, really far away. A place that’s literally impossible to get to without a military clearance.