NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another was issued a verbal warning, all for consuming alcohol on the job.
Nathan Newton was the latest Santa to be let go. Newton lives with his girlfriend and her five children in New Jersey and was hired by Macy’s to work the weekend Santa shifts. Macy’s terminated Mr. Newton on Sunday after a family saw him urinating in an alley behind the store. A Macy’s spokesperson said that normally Newton would have received a warning or suspension for drinking on the job, but urinating in public was grounds for immediate dismissal.
“Mr. Newton had so much potential as a Macy’s Santa but public urination will not be tolerated under any circumstance. It’s unfortunate Mr. Newton will not reach his Santa Claus potential with our department store, but we wish him all the best in his future endeavors.”
“Yeah, they canned me, and just three weeks away from Christmas. Ain’t that a bitch?”
Newton was forced to yell in order to be heard over the rumble of his sputtering car engine. He said he was afraid to turn the engine off because it may not start again.
“I don’t know if it’s the battery or what, but I don’t have jumper cables, so if it stalls I usually end up push starting the son of a bitch myself, which ain’t a walk in the park, let me tell you.”
Mr. Newton described the circumstances of his firing.
“I’d been drinking all morning from a flask I kept inside my suit and I really had to take a piss. They don’t let Santa use the public toilet cause it might traumatize sensitive, brain dead kids. I knew I couldn’t hold it in until I got to the employee john so I slipped out a side door where I could grab a quick smoke and drain the vein all at once. I wasn’t expecting some tourist family to come walking by. What kind of parent drags their kids down an alley in New York city? That’s what I want to know.”
“I guess I can’t really really blame them for firing me. On my lunch break I went down to Rudy’s bar on 44th and was knockin’ ‘em back pretty hard. When I got back to work everything was fine until a little girl started whining that my breath smelled like her grampa. When I tried to keep her quiet her Mom got the wrong idea cause I was whispering into her little angel’s ear. She called me a pervert and started to scream. I was calling her a few choice words of my own when the kid fell off my lap and cracked her skull on the floor. Next thing I know there’s a posse of fat bastard security guards gettin’ all flash mob on me. It got pretty ugly after that.”
NYU psychology professor Dr. Abraham Scarsdale says the vast majority of department store Santas are chronically underemployed men with substance abuse problems and dysfunctional home lives.
“The average Santa is a middle-aged divorced man with deep personal resentments and pent-up aggression. It’s very likely that the Santa Claus holding your child on his lap is just a heartbeat away from a complete psychological meltdown. Truth be told, if it wasn’t for the calming effect alcohol has on most Santas, department stores across America would be teetering on the precipice of gruesome bloodbaths during Christmas season. Parents need to ask themselves what they’re willing to tolerate, a tipsy Santa Claus who may periodically pass out, use profanity and urinate on the wall, or a sober Santa who could, at any moment, be engulfed by a despair so savage that the aftermath would require body bags and a trauma scene cleanup crew.”
A veteran Macy’s Santa Claus spoke candidly from a rundown tavern in Queens.
“You can’t do the Santa gig sober,” he carped, “ain’t gonna happen. It’d be like having a kidney transplant without anesthesia. Yesterday before noon I had two kids crap on me and a half dozen more throwing up. My fifteen minute break is spent wiping piss off my lap and digging vomit out of my beard. It’s a nonstop cattle call of imbecile parents who mistakenly believe their kids are unique. Most of these kids are just crib lizards of sub-par intelligence that will never amount to anything outside of being a drain on society. You can see it when you look in their eyes.”
The department store Santa gulped his drink.
“I hate kids. Can’t stand them… and I could give a rat’s ass what society thinks.”