Maury Povich Irrigates Dennis Kucinich’s Colon

WASHINGTON, DC – Senior White House officials have confirmed that President Obama’s invitation to Ohio Congressman, Dennis Kucinich, to ride on Air Force One was indeed intended to sway Mr. Kucinich’s vote on national health care.

Until last week, Dennis Kucinich was a No vote on the health care bill. A staunch far left liberal, Kucinich had stood his ground against any health care bill that did not include a public option. A steadfast proponent of government control over the health and welfare of America’s citizens, Kucinich has a solid foundation of unwavering commitment to liberal ideals and to his constituents who believe in him.

But a few days after the Congressman flew with the President on Air Force One, he called a press conference and said that he had changed his mind and acknowledged the bill did not include a public option, but assured his constituents that there were too many good things in the bill to vote against it.

“I think the bill is a good bill and I plan to vote Yes when the time comes!”

The Daily Rash spoke with several Washington insiders about the Kucinich Air force One ride. In the few days after the excursion, most sources were saying that the congressman did “see the light,” and after much introspection, decided it best to let down his guard and vote Yes.

But earlier today a democratic insider said there might be reasons other than “self introspection” that led to the congressman’s change of heart.

“I wasn’t on the plane but a colleague of mine was,” the insider confided. “They set the whole thing up days in advance. Obama called and asked Kucinich to accompany him to a pep rally in Ohio so they could both make a speech about things like health care and getting lots of free stuff in the near future. I was told that Congressman Kucinich felt really good about landing in Ohio with the President on Air Force One.”

Custom Treatment Table

The source fidgeted and then ordered a vodka tonic, extra lime.

“Rahm Emanuel was behind the whole trip. He found out some things about Kucinich that he could exploit, certain peccadilloes that might insure a Yes vote.”

When The Daily Rash asked for specifics, the source began breathing heavy and ordered yet another vodka tonic.

“When Kucinich got on the plane he immediately noticed the dozens of orange balloons. Rahm Emanuel recently found out that the congressman has loved balloons since he was a small child, especially orange ones. Then the crew rolled out several carts of freshly baked chocolate cupcakes, another favorite of the congressman’s. Emanuel found out that Kucinich really loves cream-filled chocolate cupcakes, so when the congressman bit into his first cupcake and found it cream-filled, my friend tells me that President Obama nodded his head and smiled at Kucinich.”

“But the icing on the cake, so to speak, was when Sean Penn and Maury Povich entered from behind a curtain. Emanuel found out that Kucinich has been a Maury Povich fan since he was a teenager and that his favorite actor is Sean Penn. Maury Povich and Sean Penn shook hands with an obviously smitten Dennis Kucinich and sat down to share cupcakes with him. That’s when aids began to prepare a custom treatment table used for colon cleansing.”

The source fidgeted.

Maury Povich

“When Maury Povich confided that he was a skilled colon hydro-therapist and offered Kucinich a free treatment, Kucinich eagerly jumped onto the custom treatment table with wide eyes and a cupcake-filled smile!”

The source gulped his drink.

A happy Kucinich leaves Air Force One

“Maury Povich gently inserted a speculum into the congressman’s rectum and for the next forty-five minutes gently cleansed Kucinich’s colon with warm water while using light message techniques to dislodge toxic waste matter adhered to the walls of his colon.”

The Daily Rash asked what the President and Sean Penn were doing during the cleanse.

“While Maury Povich cleansed his colon Kucinich held a balloon and ate cream-filled chocolate cupcakes as Sean Penn re-enacted scenes from Kucinich’s favorite movies, I am Sam and Dead Man Walking.”

And the President?

“He left the room during the insertion and called Nancy Pelosi. He confirmed that he had a Yes vote from Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich. That’s when Rahm Emanuel proceeded to rummage through his secret Bart Stupak file.”

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