PARIS – The Chief Executive of cosmetics giant L’Oreal, Jean-Paul Agon, announced today that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will be the new 2014 Maybelline Spokesmodel. As runway models received last minute make-up and garment adjustments backstage at the annual Fashion Cares charity event in Paris, Jean-Paul explained the “genius” behind using Mr. Richards to sell cosmetics and accessories.
“We’d been looking for new ways to expand sales in our latest line of cosmetics. An avenue to attract customers who wouldn’t normally walk up to a make-up counter in Walgreen’s and ask to see something in their color. Well, I was at a party several months ago at the Manhattan penthouse of a very famous person, who shall remain nameless, and I noticed a startling sight on the settee. There was a comatose man wearing the most beautifully colored headscarf, with a headband over that and a sort of derby hovering over the whole mess. His shirt was open to his waist, his chest covered in heavy silver necklaces, and he topped it all off with heavy eye liner and lipstick. I almost died! I tried to speak to him but was unable to wake him out of his stupor. I found out later that it was a guitar player in the Rolling Stones. The Mick Jagger Rolling Stones!”
Just then a woman screamed as a crowd of people ran towards the entrance. Jean-Paul rolled his eyes and smiled, shaking his head.
“I do believe Mr. Richards has arrived.”
Keith Richards stumbled through the crowd, mumbled something to a scantily clad young model and then disappeared into the men’s room.
When asked what Keith Richards had to offer a cosmetics company that would increase sales, Jean-Paul smiled knowingly.
“I know at first everyone is going to be quite dumbfounded about the whole thing. But once our ad campaign gets rolling, you mark my words, there are going to be old men in mascara all over the world. Paris! New York! London! Beirut!”
Keith Richards came staggering out of the restroom held up by several large men who helped him to the VIP area. The Daily Rash had obtained a pass allowing a one-on-one interview with Mr. Richards. As the press waited for interview time to arrive, Jean-Paul filled everyone in on the details of Maybelline’s newest acquisition.
“Let’s face it, the average American male is a pantywaist. The last couple of generations were raised on Oprah, Depak Chopra, Reality TV and now MSNBC. If you yell “Boo!” they have to take a pill and call a friend to support them through the night. Now, don’t get me wrong, Europeans are even worse, but they’re more comfortable with their sissyness. American men want to be, but memories of their grandfathers’ masculinity haunts them at night. Contemporary European men are from a long line of timid and delicate males so they aren’t tormented like their American counterparts.”
Commotion erupted from the VIP tent and several security guards ran in.
“Keith Richards,” Jean-Paul continued, “represents the man who, though he’s been shunned by society for several decades, is still alive and hungry for adventure. These men are heavy drinkers, heavy smokers and a large majority ingest large quantities of drugs. But they don’t take anxiety pills or depression medications. They drink Jack Daniels by the bottle, smoke non-filtered cigarettes by the carton and they’ve sucked so much dust up their nostrils that you could drive a car through them. Those are the men we are targeting. When they see one of their own gracing magazine covers with his raw masculinity, at the same time wearing eye liner and L’Oreal accessories…just watch the reaction of those forgotten macho men out there nursing hangovers and coughing up blood. Keith Richards is going to bring cosmetics and rehabilitative blood transfusions into vogue!”
Security cleared the way for the Daily Rash to enter the VIP tent where Keith Richards sat at a table smoking. He grasped the table and, balancing himself, was able to stand. He looked at the people standing around and laughed. He coughed violently for several minutes and began to stagger towards the men’s room.
“I’ve got to powder me nose, Mates, be right back,” he said to the journalists and then winked as security helped him walk.
Over an hour had passed when the journalists were told that Mr. Richards had fallen asleep and would not be giving anymore interviews.