NITRO, WEST VIRGINIA – Former singer and actor Meat Loaf has changed his name to Darryl and opened a hardware store in the small town of Nitro, West Virginia. Nestled beside the Kanawha River, Nitro is just north of Charleston and has a population of around 7,000. Residents are very excited about the new hardware store and half-a-dozen of them lined up on opening day seeking employment.
Kane Jarrett told The Daily Rash that when he saw workers putting up the new sign for Darryl’s Hardware on the old service station building, he felt that his streak of bad luck had come to an end.
“I been lookin’ for a job for almost six years. There ain’t no hardware stores in Nitro. After my fourth DUI they took away my drivers license permanently. Hell, all I know is hardware! But since there weren’t no hardware stores in Nitro and I couldn’t drive to anywhere else, I been down on my luck.”
Kane hopes that he will be hired so that he might help his children make bail like his Dad did for him. “I’d really like to buy a gun and hunt with them, but my felony convictions prohibit me from having firearms.”
The Daily Rash spoke with Darryl (Meat Loaf) on the afternoon of the store’s grand opening.
The Daily Rash: What made you want to change your name and move to West Virginia?
Darryl: I’d had enough of the music business.
The Daily Rash: Did you change your name to avoid being recognized?
Darryl: No, I haven’t been recognized for years. I think the last time that happened was in the nineties at the San Diego Zoo.
The Daily Rash: Were you performing?
Darryl: No, I was at the zoo. A hot dog vendor said he remembered me from my appearance on Saturday Night Live in the seventies.
The Daily Rash: He must have been pretty excited. I mean, he looks up and Meat Loaf is standing in front of him at the zoo?
Darryl: Not really. He got mad that I didn’t want to buy a hot dog. At the time I was a vegetarian and he thought that I was lying about it. So I ended up buying a plate full of sauerkraut from him.
The Daily Rash: I’m sure he still talks about the day that Meat Loaf bought a plate of sauerkraut from him!
Darryl: I don’t know. Maybe.
The Daily Rash: So why the name change?
Darryl: I’m in my mid-sixties. Being called Meat Loaf when you’re a kid is one thing. At this age it’s a little difficult to deal with. Last year I was having a prostate exam by a doctor half my age. I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. I’m bent over a table with his finger up my ass….and he says “Just relax Mr. Meat Loaf, this will be over before you know it.” I knew as I waddled out of his office that it was time for a life change.
The Daily Rash: So you changed your name to Darryl and moved to West Virginia?
Darryl: Yep.
Darryl was called into the store by one of his new clerks. There was a steady flow of customers wandering in and out, some carrying tools, others had bags of dirt. One woman came out carrying two rakes, taking advantage of Darryl’s first sale: Buy one rake at full price, get the second one at half price.
Suddenly Darryl walked out of the store wide- eyed. Apparently one of the clerks had stepped on a rake that was laying on the floor and, just like in the movies, the other end came up and smacked her in the face.
“She may have broken her nose,” Darryl said in a worried tone.
As the woman was led out of the store she held a blood soaked towel to her face. She was put into a car and driven to a medical facility.
Darryl had time for one last question.
The Daily Rash: After thirty years of singing about paradise by the dashboard light, did you ever imagine that one day you would end up stocking them on your own hardware store shelves?
Darryl: No, not until now.
Darryl wandered back into his new hardware store and shut the door behind him.
