NEW YORK – Not everyone is complaining about the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) “pat-down” procedures. During a time in which thousands of Americans share their dissatisfaction with being groped and prodded, fondled and squeezed at airports, filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for Americans to “lighten up” and “enjoy” what he called “a necessary precaution that will help to enhance America’s reputation around the world.”
Appearing on The Maury Povich Show to promote his new book White People Make Me Vomit, Moore described his recent experience at the hands of TSA workers before boarding a plane in his home state of Michigan. Members of the audience snickered as Moore explained that it took two TSA security personnel to rummage through the many folds and layers of his wide rippled girth. But it was when he revealed he purposely did not wear underwear on the day of his flight that the audience gasped with surprise.
“I figured if they were going to be feeling me up, I may as well give em’ something to feel. So I left my underwear at home.”
“I never seen any of Mr. Moore’s movies, but he seemed like a likable enough fella when he first appeared on stage,” Mr. Tarkenton remarked. “But when he started talking about walking around without underwear, my interest waned. I have a rather vivid imagination, so I was afraid that if I stayed and listened anymore, I might end up with images in my mind that could have a negative impact on my mental well being later in life.”
MAURY POVICH: So Michael, did you intentionally not wear underwear for the specific purpose of getting back at airport security?
MICHAEL MOORE: Oh no, not at all. I just thought that since there was a possibility of being fondled, why not make it worth my while?
The studio audience groaned.
MAURY POVICH: So what happened? Did you get fondled?
MICHAEL MOORE: Oh did I get fondled! Let me put it this way Maury, I’m pretty sure there was an erection.
MAURY POVICH: (With a shocked expression) You are not telling me that you got an erection when airline security was patting you down!
MICHAEL MOORE: Oh yeah I am!
MAURY POVICH: Wait a minute…. pretty sure?
MICHAEL MOORE: Well, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, so I’m just going by memory. But from what I do recall, I’m pretty sure I experienced an erection when they patted me down.
MAURY POVICH: OK, I know I’m probably going to regret this but, tell us what happened Michael.
MICHAEL MOORE: Well, I’m standing there spread eagle with a guy kneeling down in front of me and another kneeling behind me, both of them groping and rubbing….squeezing and rubbing….
MAURY POVICH: So you’re being rubbed down pretty aggressively… and?
MICHAEL MOORE: And I look up and they’ve got FOX News on the airport TV monitor showing an interview with Sarah Palin.
MICHAEL MOORE: Now, everyone is quite aware that I have nothing but contempt for Sarah Palin. I’m against everything she stands for…hell, I even hate her kids. But I’m not going to sit here and say she ain’t got some nice legs, if you know what I’m sayin’ Maury!
MAURY POVICH: I’m feeling your pain, Buddy.
MICHAEL MOORE: Yeah, well, so were those security guards.
MAURY POVICH: Oh Michael!
MICHAEL MOORE: Things were getting pretty heated, Maury.
MAURY POVITCH: OK, OK, I get your drift. But now you’ve forced me to ask you Michael…was there a happy ending?
The studio audience groaned with disgust….
MICHAEL MOORE: I’m really not sure, Maury. Airport security would know that better than me.
The crowd groaned loudly and Maury cut to a commercial.
Several hours after the Maury Povich show aired, TSA spokesperson Sari Koshetz issued a statement saying that the Transportation Security Administration will be issuing citations to male passengers who request pat-downs and are found not to be wearing undergarments. She also said that television shows with women in them would be banned at all airports.