LAS VEGAS – Last weekend First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at a gathering of physicians and nutritionists at a Childhood Obesity forum at the Bellagio hotel. Sporting a sleeveless garment that allowed her toned arms to mesmerize awestruck attendees, the first lady regaled her admirers as physically fit waitstaff served healthy hors d’oeuvres and United Nations approved spring water. The atmosphere at the forum was alive and festive with Brazilian guitar music and slender belly dancers. Before she took the podium, Mrs. Obama danced with Alec Baldwin and afterward beat him in an arm wrestling contest to the great delight of many.
After taking office President Obama announced that his wife was going to tackle childhood obesity in America. Mrs. Obama has since said that her passion in life is to abolish childhood obesity and she is willing to face the hard questions that might be raised with such a delicate subject. At the time, a democratic strategist said Mrs. Obama is determined to be successful in her quest.
“There is no doubt in my mind that the first lady has the wherewithal to fight and conquer what may be the most disgusting trend in America today, childhood obesity.”
When Mrs. Obama was introduced she spoke eloquently about the necessity of nutrition and exercise in the lives of American children. She spoke compassionately about young people who over-eat to avoid dealing with problems and she spoke earnestly about her resolve to implement healthy lifestyle choices in public schools. It was when she began to speak about the morbidly obese that the first lady’s tone changed.
“She became angry, and justifiably so,” barked Jasper Cunningham, a dietitian attending the conference. “I don’t know how many hours a week I waste trying to convince profoundly large children to eat properly. It’s maddening! They don’t care what you say, they don’t care what they look like…”
Jasper sighed heavily.
“Sure, slaughtering them seems harsh. But if you take the time to really think it through, it’s actually more humane to extinguish the poor souls than prolong their agony isn’t it? Let’s be honest, it’s just going to get worse, and that’s not good for anybody.”
Recently the Daily Rash spoke with people on the streets of Chicago about Mrs. Obama’s proposal.
“I think it’s a grand idea,” chortled Arthur Kingsdale, of Oak Park. “When I see those really fat kids it ruins my day. Just recently we had a wonderfully pleasant sunny day and I was in the most delightful mood. But then I saw a big fat child, a real porker, standing on the street corner stuffing a cheeseburger into his mouth. Needless to say, my day was ruined.” Mr. Kingsdale sighed, “Hell, I’m retired now, if they need somebody to pull the plug or switch or trigger — whatever, I’ll volunteer.”
Mrs. Gary Tincher, of Evanston, said she was worried. “I am just so terrified that they’re going to kill my grandson. He’s six years old and he already weighs over 200 pounds. I know that he’s way too fat and I tell his mother that, but she let’s him eat whenever and whatever he wants. All I’m saying is, it’s not his fault. If you slaughter anybody, you should slaughter his mother, not the innocent child.”
Mrs. Tincher said she would consider voting for the slaughter of fat kids’ parents if it would help curb childhood obesity.
“I’m fine if they slaughter the parents. I just think it’s a bit harsh to kill children. Nothing against Mrs. Obama though. I just love her.”
Ava Braun, a senior member of Mrs. Obama’s staff, said parents need not be afraid that their child will be slaughtered by the United States government anytime soon.
“Oh Lord!” Miss Braun snorted, almost choking with laughter. “Let me reassure all the parents out there, you don’t have anything to worry about. Even if congress approves the first lady’s proposal, it will be several years before we actually slaughter a child. There’s so much legal red tape involved that it’s going to be quite some time before our first kill.”
Miss Braun puffed on her cigarette.
“You’ve got a solid two years, at least, to trim the fat off your kid. And let’s be honest, if they can’t lose the weight in two years, what would be the purpose of keeping them alive?”
Miss Braun stamped out her cigarette.
“I used to have a fat cousin growing up. It was just horrifying when I had to hang out with her. And then, after all the degradation I had to endure, she ends up committing suicide in college,” Miss Braun endured a coughing fit.
“Mrs. Obama understands what we all know deep inside — these kids want to die. As a society we have a duty to allow anyone who wants to die, to die. We also have a duty to those who want to die but aren’t bright enough to be aware of it. Fat kids don’t have a desire to live. Let’s allow the government do what we might be hesitant to do ourselves.”