CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – In this small southern town of six hundred and thirteen inhabitants… there is a buzz on the streets. There are wide eyes and whispers in the line at the Piggly Wiggly. Dwayne’s Bait and Tackle saw people still lingering around the worm cooler well past eight last evening. Bobbie’s Bobby Pin, the popular beauty shop next to Bob’s Feed and Grain was bustling with the Moms and Grandmas of Crawdad. Dale Carson Jr. told the Daily Rash that he’d run out of Dilly Bars at his Dairy Queen franchise on Thursday afternoon.
“We don’t usually have much business on Thursdays. But when that fella from the Middle East arrived Wednesday night, it sure set the town upside down. We don’t normally call in our orders until Sunday night, but today I had to call Dairy Queen Central and make a special order,” said Mr. Carson. “I haven’t really had time to make up my mind about it all since I been so busy. Had to ask my wife’s unemployed brother to help behind the counter!”
Moammar Khadafi arrived in Crawdad, Alabama mid-afternoon on Wednesday. By early evening he’d pitched his tent and unpacked his elaborate wardrobe. As a glistening goat rotated on a spit behind his tent, he spoke with television news crews as invited Crawdad residents dined on goat, rice and Budweiser Ice Lite beer. The Daily Rash spoke with Mr. Khadafi through an interpreter about his move to Alabama.
“I’ve always wanted to live in the United States of America! At this point, Crawdad is the only town we were able to find that would allow me to purchase land and live in my tent while teaching toddlers. But that’s OK. We think we will like it here and I’m really excited about getting the Moammar Day Care Emporium up and running. It’s been a life long dream of mine to take care of children, especially American children! We hope to open our doors next week so I can begin babysitting and educating other people’s kids. The next few days we’ll be designing the school’s uniforms and Moammar’s Koran Picture Book for American Toddlers was just published by Troglodyte Publishing. It’s just a very exciting time!”
As Mr. Khadafi gnawed on a chunk of goat, we asked town folks what they thought about their new neighbor.
“Hell, at least something is going on in this town!” barked Connor Carson, as he swilled his Bud Ice Lite.
“All I know is, we’re the only town in Jasper County without any kind of day care whatsoever,” said Buelah Johnston, as she tore into her goat sandwich. “My daughter has six kids and with her boyfriend in lock-up, it sure ain’t gonna hurt to have a daycare center so she can put in some extra hours at the Laundry Chute.”
“I don’t know, I think it’s gonna be a little weird having that guy living in a tent down the street,” sniffed Randy Carson, of Carson’s Meat and Fixin’s. He chomped on some goat meat and washed it down with a swig of Budweiser Ice Lite. He wiped his mouth.
“Personally, I’m a little offended that so many of my neighbors seem to be OK with all of this. When I had my cousin and his family living in their camper on my side yard, they sure didn’t get the welcome that this fella’s getting!”
Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, surprised the small town when he arrived with Sean Penn on Friday. The animated dictator brought Khadafi the Venezuelan child that he was donating to the day care center. Chavez told reporters that he thought it would be a nice touch to have a Venezuelan child in the school so that the “American kids would have a little bit of culture.” He winked at the cameras and then he, along with Sean Penn and Khadafi, went into the tent to eat some goat, drink some beer and engage in revolutionary conversation.
Later that night, several Crawdad residents joined Khadafi, Chavez and Penn in town for drinks and chain-smoking at Bill Carson’s Peppermint Ranch Saloon out on Route o.