CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – As war planes flew over Libya’s capital of Tripoli and military snipers took position on rooftops in an apparent attempt to dissuade people from joining rebel fighters, news sources around the world issued reports that Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafi fled the country and was en route to Venezuela. Yet confidential sources inside the Pentagon have informed The Daily Rash that Khadafi has indeed landed in Alabama and is requesting asylum from Governor Robert Bentley and President Obama.
It was The Daily Rash that broke the story in October, 2009 that Khadafi had purchased land in Crawdad, Alabama with the intent of opening a day care center which he planned to operate himself.
Acting on orders from Khadafi, the Libyan military was shooting and bombing Libyan citizens as the dictator was landing in Alabama with several large suitcases filled with cash, robes and fez hats. He also brought along seven barrels of oil, three goats and several drums of the black shoe polish he uses to color his hair.
“I’m done with that whole dictator thing,” Khadafi told The Daily Rash through an interpreter. “Dictatorship is so yesterday. Today I start anew in the deep south of your United States. I will live as a gentleman and take care of American toddlers in Crawdad, Alabama.”
When Khadafi arrived in Crawdad, Alabama in October of 2009, he set up his tent and treated the citizens of Crawdad to goat meat and rice along with all the Budweiser Ice Lite beer they could swill. He’d purchased a dilapidated building that he said would be rebuilt to house the Moammar Day Care Emporium. Khadafi told the citizens of Crawdad that he looked forward to babysitting and raising their children. For several days Crawdad was bustling with excited residents filling themselves with goat meat and looking forward to finally having access to affordable day care. As one single mother said, “I caint count on my man to help with the kids since he’s gonna be in prison for eleven more years. But that Goat Guy said he’ll teach my kids how to pray and obey. We need more praying in this world, you know? Plus, I never ate goat before and was really surprised that I liked it.”
But just ten days after he’d arrived, the same excited citizens woke up to an empty lot where Khadafi’s tent had been. All the goat meat was gone and, but for a few empty beer bottles, the ice buckets were empty. Even the child that Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez had donated to the day care emporium was on a plane back to Caracas. Without warning, Khadafi had left in the middle of the night leaving a distraught and confused population behind. One resident said that she had never been one to trust easily, but after Khadafi left she’d “put a padlock on my heart.”
“Not unlike your Governor Elliot Spitzer or your TV actor Charlie Sheen, I want to seek redemption. I want to stay in Alabama and raise American children. I don’t like Libya anymore. Now come, consume goat meat and beer!”
Although most Americans will be uneasy with Khadafi’s arrival, there are already reports of jubilation on the part of some in the entertainment and political communities. Filmmaker Michael Moore became so excited with the news that Khadafi had relocated to Alabama that friends say he celebrated by consuming two canned hams, three pints of Ben and Jerry’s “Cake Batter” ice cream and a mince meat pie. There are reports circulating that Angelina Joli and Brad Pitt have already donated two children to the Moammar Khadafi Day Care Emporium, but at this time The Daily Rash is unable to confirm them. And last night on MSNBC former president Jimmy Carter told Chris Matthews that he is eager to show Khadafi some good old fashioned southern hospitality.
“Moammar and I go way back. Like myself, he’s been a victim of many Fox News smear campaigns. I look forward to chewing some goat with the man and maybe even donating some Georgia kids to his Emporium.”